{SIGHS}
This is a day that I avoid like the plague every single year for the past 10 or so years now. 9/11. Our present day "day in which will live in infamy". "The Day The World Stopped Turning". Everyone has their own phrase for this day. I do not. Even now, the title of this blog entry remains empty. Unfortunately for me, I cannot post this without a title. As of right now, the title is your guess as good as mine.
Let's start with what I was doing that day when I heard "the news", since so many people like to ask that. I had recently (just a few days before 9/11) quit working at a salon as a secretary and not really looking for another job yet. I don't remember why, but I was sleeping on the couch that morning when the phone rang. It was my really good friend Kari, whom I had met and formed a bond with when I worked at Labcorp. I was still a little dazed from being woken up so I didn't really notice the distraught sound of her voice. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was lying on the couch. She asked me if I had been watching TV or listening to the radio and I confessed that I had actually been sleeping when the phone rang. "I need you to turn on the TV", she says. "OK....What's going on?", I asked. "Just turn the TV on." So, I did. I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing in my "just awakened stupor". You know that groggy feeling you're in when you're awakened suddenly and expected to understand what's going on. Is this a movie on TV? I turned the channel....same movie was showing. I changed the channel a final time and the SAME BAD movie was on, yet again. "Kari, I don't understand. What's this? What's going on???" So she told me everything that she knew at that moment...everything that everyone knew and it wasn't much except for the obvious. It was shortly after 10am when she called me so all of the devastation had occurred. Kind of. Looking back now, it seems like it was just the beginning. She asked me if I was OK and I lied and said "Yea, I'm fine". We hung up after a few more minutes.
In the ensuing hours, minutes, days, weeks and yes, even months, I BREATHED only for information and footage of 9/11. I know that it was unhealthy, but at the time I could not help it. I think this is the reason why I now avoid the internet or news sources on the anniversary of the attacks. Just seeing the images even now makes me feel like I'm hyperventilating. I, of course, had heard of Pearl Harbor and I now knew what those people must have felt when they experienced it. Although I was obsessed with watching the footage of 9/11, I became depressed. I expect as a result of it. It's like I went through a version of PTSD...and still do when I see those images. Even writing this makes me a bit anxious. My birthday was suppose to be 6 days later. But how could I celebrate my own 26th birthday when 2,977 souls (including the hijackers) would never celebrate theirs again. So, I didn't. I didn't want to celebrate Christmas either. I'd sit and look at the pretty Christmas Tree that mom and I decorated and I would just cry. 2,977 would never celebrate Christmas. Finally, I started coming out of it. I think it was because my cousin was arranging for me to stay with him at his home in Tampa for 15 days in February. So I finally had something to look forward to. Something to occupy my mind and take it off those poor innocent people and their families. For those people, I celebrated Christmas, New Year's and I enjoyed my trip. And I had other things to look forward to also.
Back then, I use to chat with people online. I initially started doing it to find other people with Spina Bifida because I knew so few people with it. Somehow that morphed into me talking to guys online. Whatever. Don't judge. It actually was a good thing. Guys could get to know ME first without dealing with the wheelchair and we could both decide if we wanted to actually meet or not, depending on the connection. There was one guy that I met online. We will call him RT(His real initials, too. Just in case he reads this. ;) ) He was a Marine based at Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville, NC. We actually connected right away. And he was freaking HOT! He had told me that there was a good chance that if we went to war because of the 9/11 attacks, that he'd have to go and I accepted that. I mean, we hadn't even met in person yet. So, it wasn't like we were torn up by it. We decided to meet when I got back from my trip to Florida though. I was to call him when I got back and we'd make plans to meet and go on our first date! Exciting, right?
I had the time of my LIFE in Tampa. It's the reason I live here now. But it was time to get back to NC....and to make that phone call to RT. I was so freaking nervous!!! I called and a man answered. But it wasn't him. It was his roommate. In short, RT had a message for me. He was sorry, but he had been called off to war. His roommate did tell me that he knew that RT liked me and was looking forward to that date. RT wrote to me when he was in Baghdad and we stayed in touch as much as 2 people can when one of them is fighting a war overseas somewhere. He finally got out and he is safe and sound now. We NEVER DID GO ON THAT DATE! LOL But, he is one of my really good friends now and I wouldn't change that for anything. He has a beautiful daughter too! His very own mini me version of himself. But this just goes to show you. 9/11 changed things for everyone. Not just those people directly involved in the attacks and their loved ones. People went to war...and people died there. So, that 2,977 is just the tip of the iceberg. There were many, many more deaths associated with 9/11 because of the war(s).
I don't know that I will ever be able to see that news footage again. Right now, 12 years later, I cannot. On any day. Not just the anniversary. I still feel a certain amount of "survivor's guilt" for surviving something that I was never even a part of. My heart still goes out to all the families. The 2,977 in the attacks. The soldiers that died...and their families that were left behind. My heart is forever with you all.
And now I know the title........
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