I'm Not Really Daddy's Little Girl

In keeping with my last blog that you can read here, I thought I would give some background information on my Dad, his absence from my life and how that affected me...and his subsequent death in 2005. 

As I said last time, my parents divorced when I was just a baby....18 months old or so. My brothers, Todd & Brian, were 7 & 4, respectively. While we lived in Yanceyville NC, dad chose to live in West Unity, Ohio with his second wife and her kids. He never made much effort to visit us. Actually he made no effort at all. My brothers would spend their summer vacations with him. But I stayed home because of all my hospital stays and surgeries due to Spina Bifida. Don't worry. I'm still gonna explain SB in a future blog. So, anyway, I never got to spend much time with Dad at all. I saw him when mom and I would go take my brothers for their visit and I would occasionally talk to him on the phone. But that's about it. We really didn't know each other at all. 

As time went on and as Todd and Brian got older, they chose, one by one, to not visit dad any longer. They didn't want to spend their summers away from their friends in NC. I can't really blame them. Most of the year, he was a stranger. Then during the summer, they were expected to go and be the happy family there. I suspect that they also wanted to stay true to our mother and not bond with Dad...though that has never been spoken and I don't think she would have wanted it that way. 

Dad was never there for us for anything really. He sent his obligatory child support, and Christmas and birthday gifts/money. I don't think he ever realized that what we wanted and needed was HIM. And he didn't realize until the end that HE needed US. Still, I still had a fantastic life without him. I honestly don't think he was missed much at all...at least not physically. Mom was mom AND dad to us and she did a damn good job of it. I don't ever remember a time that I wished he had been there or was sad because he missed a school play. I had mom for that. 

He visited us for ONE day in 1997...for a few hours, while he was on his way to a NASCAR race in Martinsville, VA...not far from us at all. Then, in 2003, his wife died of lung cancer. I suspect that it was her wish for him to reconnect with us and that's what he did. He spent a couple of weeks in NC with us...getting to know us. I cherish those moments. They were really good. He and mom buried the old hatchet too. LOL They were truly good times and it was so wonderful having a complete family...if only for a short period of time. 

My dad said he was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2004. That may be true. But I think he knew long before that. He may have known when he came to visit us in July 2003. Maybe THAT's why he came to us. I think he knew he had it though. And I think he thought that once he got through everything with his wife, that he'd have time to see a doctor and treat himself. But that was not to be. By the time he was officially diagnosed on November 15 2004, the cancer had already spread to multiple parts of his body and he was terminally ill. I was at Lenoir Rhyne College when I found out...a few days before Fall Break. I wasn't suppose to find out until I came home for break. One of my brothers were dating a girl. And she told me one day on Yahoo Messenger. A wonderful way to learn your father is dying. I withdrew from college a few weeks later because they wouldn't allow me the time to take a day or 2 to see Dad. Some of professors had said they would fail me if I took time out of their class to visit dad for violating their attendance policy...though I had not.  

Dad was only given a year to live, at best. My brothers and I went to Ohio as often as we could. But I only saw him 2 more times before he passed away peacefully on November 16, 2005. True to my father's spirit and tenacity, he beat his doctor's expectations that he would only live a year---by living one year + one day. 

Prior to his death, during one of our visits to him, I finally got up the courage to tell him everything I needed to tell him. I left it all on the table. I knew he would not survive and I could not let him go without telling him how much I love and adore him and forgave him for being an absent Dad. I had an amazing life despite that fact. And I didnt want him leaving this Earth with any regrets or feeling like he wasn't forgiven. That's probably the most important thing I think I have done in my life so far. 

The times I shared with Dad between 2003-2005 were few and far between. But I learned so much about him and myself during that time. It made all of those years without him just disappear and now I can look back on my life and I DO have fond memories with my Dad. Those few moments mean more to me than a lifetime of memories could have. I think that happens a lot in life. When you KNOW what the outcome is going to be, you cram as much time and memories as possible in that length of time. It's not the length of time you have. It's what you do with it. 

*****In my last blog entry, I spoke of my Grandmother being in the hospital. As of the posting of this blog, there is no news to give out. I will keep you updated. ;-)