Ring in 2015 Safely

If you plan to be out celebrating New Year's Eve on Wednesday and plan to drink, please arrange for a designated driver to transport you. It could save your life or someone else's. In America, the American Automobile Association(AAA) in some -- not all -- communities offers a safe-ride program for members and nonmembers. To find out whether it's happening in your community, go online or call your local branch of the AAA. Please have a happy and safe new year.

Reflections of My 2014

So....I know I  have not written as much in this past year as I thought I would when I created this blog. And the truth is that I'm not sure why I have not. Many things have happened to me that inspired me to write. Yet, I just could not do it. Frozen by what others would think or say about what I have written about that's going on in my life. If you know me personally, you know that I usually don't care what others think of me. And maybe it's a bit deeper than that. Maybe if I actually write those occurrences out, they become too real and I wouldn't be able to ignore them.  

The fact of the matter is that my year did  not begin on January 1, 2014 like yours did. My year began December 17, 2013....That's the date my grandmother died. It pretty much set the tone for my entire 2014. From that date on my life has changed drastically and continues to change. Sure, I have had some wonderful things happen to me. Just this month I got married to the love of my life and I have never been happier. But even with that comes a bit of sadness brought on by things I've had to endure this year. 

I wish I didn't have to be so vague. I wish that I could discuss it freely with you. But I can't. Not right now anyway. And the fact of the matter is, I have family members that don't even know what I have dealt with this year. So, why would I tell you before them? I would not. 

Well, this turned out to be less of a reflection of my 2014 and more of a rambling session. Well....the title of my blog IS Ramblings of a Tarheel Girl in a Seminole State, ya know. Anyway, stay happy...stay safe...stay healthy in 2015. If you promise to do that, I promise to keep you informed more about my life. 

Spina Bifida Awareness Month Ends Today, But Not Spina Bifida

October is Spina Bifida (aka, SB) awareness month. I had high hopes for advocating and creating awareness for it this month, after all, it's the disability I was born with. I started off the month strong, posting blogs and posting on all the different forms of social media. I even had celebs to retweet my blog! Then halfway through the month, I travelled to my hometown and was pretty busy for more than 2 weeks...then I came down with a horrendous sinus cold that I still have. All of that hindered me a great deal from spreading awareness. That saddens me. Because SB is still overshadowed by other disabilities and more well known afflictions. Yet, Spina Bifida occurs more frequently than Muscular Dystrophy, Multiple Sclerosis and Cystic Fibrosis....more than all three of those----COMBINED.

So, while my educating for a worthy cause dear to my heart stopped, the SB didn't. I still have it. It didn't go away. It never will. I will have SB and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. And, quite frankly, Im okay with that. I don't suffer from SB. It suffers from me. 

But just for shits and giggles, let's discuss what SB is and how it affects me. The short answer is that it doesn't really affect me at all. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am one badass chick. But, I digress. Here's my SB story:

I am 39 years old and was born with myelomeningocele ( thats pronounced as Milo, my ninja seal) at the L1, L2 region of my spine. This means that the Spina Bifida lesion on my spine is in the lumbar region at the 1st and 2nd vertebrae. I am paralyzed from my knees down. I use to walk with leg braces and crutches until they started to cause pressure sores, or blisters, on my feet. So I decided in 1991 to just use my wheelchair permanently. I don't regret that at all. For me, it is what it is. Braces or wheelchair---for me, it doesn't matter how I get around as long as I do. And actually, my wheelchair gives me a certain level of speed and  independence that braces never did.

In 1975, they didn't really have the technology they do today with ultrasounds and such. So no one knew that I would be born with SB until I was actually born. I still moved around inside mom's belly just like my brothers did before me. They don't have SB, by the way. At birth, the lesion in my spine was repaired as much as possible and my back was sewn shut. I developed hydrocephalus when I was 10 days old and a Ventriculoperitoneal Shunt(VP Shunt) was put in place on the 11th day. It was revised again before I was a yr old and hasn't been  revised or used since. I still have the same shunt today and it's still not in use. In all, I have had over 50 operations in my life. Literally from head (the shunt) to toe (to straighten my big toe) and everywhere in between. However, I don't have that many scars. Some of the surgeries were redone. Because of so many hospital stays and doctor visits, I am severely allergic to ALL latex products and a few latex related foods.

I went to school just like everyone else and had someone assist me in getting to my classes and with carrying my books until my senior year when I chose to go at it alone. I never had any of the comprehension or learning issues that are common with SB. In fact, I was an A & B honor roll student with the occasional C in math, which actually COULD be contributed with some of the SB comprehension issues. No one ever ostracized me or teased me because of my disability (that I know of, anyway!) and I always had a ton of friends...still do to this day. Socializing is something that has always come very easy for me.

Now for all the yucky personal stuff related to Spina Bifida. YES!!! I CAN have sex. I have been told that women with SB have multiple orgasms easier and more frequently than women without SB. I don't know if it's true. I only know of my experiences, of which I will not go into detail. All my life, I have dealt with the urinary and fecal incontinence that is so common with SB. Urinary incontinence is most often controlled by using a urinary catheter and inserting it into the bladder to empty it of urine. I do this every 4 or 5 hours. Fecal incontinence...Ugh.....no one likes talking about shit, right???? Oh well, Its a must in this case. Yes, I suffer through it as well. People with SB often lack the ability of being able to "hold it" when they have a bowel movement. So "accidents" do occur. Yes, it can be embarrassing and it can fuck up your entire day....but Shit Happens...You deal with it and move on. I am, however, very careful about what I eat when I'm around friends and family that have not dealt with this issue to spare them of it. I do the same if I'm out somewhere and they don't have wheelchair accessible bathrooms.

So, now that you know more about Spina Bifida and ME, does it change how you see me or feel about me? Do you have questions concerning something that I didn't cover here regarding SB, disabilities or life in a wheelchair?

Now for that picture of what my back looks like today. I almost decided not to post it, but I really think it's important for you to know what we're talking about here. 

September 24, 2010

Four years ago on this date, and actually at this very moment, I was on Interstate 40 West in NC headed to Florida to start a new life with my husband. I literally didn't have a care or fear in the world. I was consumed with excitement, as I knew this was the best thing for us. Sadly, 7 weeks later on November 14, we separated for various reasons and we are now divorced. And while I do not know where he is now, I decided to stay in Florida to try and make it on my own. I didn't tell any of my family about the separation and I only told about 3 friends. I knew that if my family found out, they'd talk me into moving back to NC. I felt very strongly that Florida was where I was meant to be. In fact, I didn't tell family for nearly 8 months!! I felt THAT strongly about it. 

In those 8 months I flourished more than I ever had. I got my self esteem back and I was genuinely happy again. And I began dating again! When I finally did tell mom, she was floored! She was also quite ecstatic that I'd left my husband. My whole family was actually, but that's another story! Everyone was happy for me and realized that I needed to prove to them and myself that I could live 12 hours away without the help of family or a husband. 

As I said, it's now been 4 years. I'm still happy. And the man I started dating after my husband? Well, we're engaged and HE will be my husband in December. 

You always hear things like "God works in mysterious ways." It's true. Four years ago tonight, I thought my husband and I were headed for an amazing adventure together. But it turns out, we were headed for amazing adventures separately. I hate being a statistic of divorce. But my life is truly better than it has ever been. Yes, I miss my family "back home". But there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for that fateful trip back in 2010. It lead me to the person I now am and to Tristen, the man I now plan to spend the rest of my life with. 

There's another old saying: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Truer words were never spoken. His plans for me were far better than anything I could have imagined for myself.

All In The Family

This one has been on my mind a lot lately. Family. What do you consider family? Is it the people you are biologically related to? Is it the friends you are closest to that you have bonded with over a period of time? Or, is it a combination of both? For me, it's a little of both, I think. I have always been close with my blood relatives...except for my Dad....you read about him in this blog. We weren't close until the last few years of his life and without a shadow of a doubt, I consider him a part of my family. But I didn't for much of my life because I just didn't know him. 

I have friends that I adore to the moon and back and I consider many of them to be my "brothers and sisters" even if we don't have the same parents. But what IS family? In many cultures the family is the parents, grandparents, kids, aunts, uncles, and children all under one roof. While, I don't think I would survive that concept, I admire the concept of it. 
In modern times, family now can be a household where the grandparents or aunts/uncles raise children. Even more common is a "single-parent" household. Families also include same sex parents.
 I consider all of these family. Basically, to me, family is anyone that has your back. That will be there for you no matter what. Whether they are related to you by blood or not. 
I have an adult friend in her 40s, (I have her permission to discuss this without using names), that just recently discovered that her dad is not her biological father. Does that make him any less her dad? To me it doesn't. She has now met her biological father and some of his(her?) family members now and she was left confused by the whole situation. She knows that they are biologically related. But, she doesn't feel a connection with them since she doesn't know them. Are THEY her family? Yes, and no, I guess. It depends on your/her definition of what family is, I suppose. In my opinion, they would just be her acquaintances unless she chooses to get to know them further. Maybe one day she will see them as her family. Right now, she does not.  

So, as you can, there are so many variables to "the family" dynamic. What do YOU consider family?? I welcome your opinions. 

Stars Can't Shine Without Darkness

People around the world are still reeling from the unexpected death of legendary actor and comedian Robin Williams. He was found dead Monday, August 11, of an apparent suicide. Most of the world was shocked by this. We knew that he had battled drug addictions over the years. But overall, he "seemed" so healthy and happy. 

Welcome to the world of depression and mental illness, folks. Others see you as completely happy and "together". But those suffering from mental illness are fighting a battle within themselves. A battle from the feelings of isolation, loneliness, desperation and utter hopelessness. Often people don't seek help because they don't want to burden those around them. Their mind is skewed. They can't always see that they need help. So they fight this battle alone, until they reach a breaking point of no return and do the unthinkable. 

Suicide is NOT a selfish act for sufferers of mental illness. In their minds, they have burdened their loved ones so much that suicide becomes a selfLESS act to them. All they know is that they are hurting so much on the inside and they want the pain to stop. They want their pain to stop. They want the pain to stop that they believe they are causing others. So suicide becomes their only option. 

People that don't suffer mental illness will never understand what it's like to suffer from chronic depression. Just like, unless you're in a wheelchair, or have cancer, you can't truly understand that. But a little empathy goes a long way. You can't just pray it away. You can't just "decide to be happy" and POOF! You're happy again. Depression doesn't work like that. If it did, it wouldn't be a disease. 750,000 people attempt suicide every year. 30,000 will succeed. It's real folks. Depression is real! Educate yourself. Chances are, with those numbers, you know someone that has tried, or succeeded to commit suicide. Maybe it was you that tried.

We can help each other though! There are signs that you can look for. 

50-75% of people who attempt suicide will tell someone about their intention. Listen when people talk. Make eye contact. Convey empathy. 

Check in on friends struggling with depression. Even if they don't answer the phone or come to the door, make an effort to let them know that you are there. Friendship isn't about saving lost souls; friendship is about listening and being present.

Reach out to survivors of suicide. Practice using the words "suicide" and "depression" so that they roll off the tongue as easily as "unicorns" and "bubble gum." Listen as they tell their stories. Hold their hands. Be kind with their hearts. And hug them every single time.

Encourage help. Learn about the resources in your area so that you can help friends and loved ones in need. Don't be afraid to check in over and over again. Don't be afraid to convey your concern. One human connection can make a big difference in the life of someone struggling with mental illness and/or survivor's guilt.

 You can learn more about suicide and prevention at http://www.afsp.org/preventing-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs

Time Flies: One Year Anniversary

Today is the one year anniversary of my blog! Happy anniversary to my readers!! I appreciate your loyalty in my times of rambling and also in my lack of writing lately. 

If you will remember, I started writing one year ago tonight because I had just received word that my 95 year old Granny was in the hospital and the outcome was looking bleak. I live 12 hours away from family and I was uncertain if I would ever get to see my Granny again. And I just wanted a healthy way to get out all of my emotions. Here's a look at that very first blog.

I did see Granny again. In fact, I was back in NC with my family again within a few days and I spent nearly 2 weeks with Granny, willing her to get better. She hung on for me. She had several good milestones in her health. But she also had many downfalls and her health continued to decline. 

In the end, she stayed with us on this Earth for 4 more months. She passed away quietly in her sleep, surrounded by the love of all of her family on December 17, 2013. 

Admittedly, I stopped blogging after her death. Somehow, I seemed to lose the words and the inspiration to write again. Nothing seemed so important to write about anymore. I mean, Granny is the reason I started blogging to begin with. What's the point without her, right? Sometimes, I feel that way still. But, mostly I know that she would want me to find my voice again and continue on this blog journey to see where it continues to take me. 

So, here we go. Here's to another year...and here's to you, Granny. You're never too far from my thoughts. 

Life's Journey

"Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings"~~~Aerosmith, 'Amazing'

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."~~~Robert Frost, 'The Road Not Taken'
Yea. I totally just quoted an Aerosmith song AND Robert Frost...in ONE blog. Awesome, right??? Try not to be so jealous. ;-)

Over the past couple of weeks I have come to realize that life truly is a journey. Everyone's journey is different; but no less important than the next person. 

I have been through so much in the past 9 years. What I have learned is that each obstacle was truly meant to be and it brought me to this point in my life. Some of those obstacles, only a handful of people know about. I am still dealing with them and have not resolved them in my mind to properly accept them and move on. But, I'm getting there. I do wonder what they will lead to next in my life. Because, inevitably, whatever I choose to do, they WILL lead to something, whether it is positive or negative. Thus far, all of the obstacles I've overcome have had positive outcomes....obviously. I mean, I'm living the life I always wanted to live in Florida. And I am engaged to be married in December to a wonderful man. Despite all of the death and sickness and sadness that has been brought to me, I'm doing pretty well. 

As of yet, I don't know if "I took the road less traveled". I do know that I chose the road that was right for me. That's all any of us can ever do.



 Aerosmith - Amazing
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah,I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die

[Chorus:]
It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Alive
[Chorus]

Desperate hearts, desperate hearts



Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood 
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Why I blog...

A couple of weeks ago, during a conversation on my blog, someone asked me, "Why do you do that?" My answer was simply, "Why not? It's like a journal or diary. It's just online" This person continued on...."But WHY? Why do you talk about such personal things? Aren't you afraid people will take your information and use it against you?"

My answer, "No. If someone wants to do that, they will do it whether or not I blog. They will always find a way. I will not live my life in fear of others possibly stealing my identity or anything else." Besides, one of the most popular books in the world is a diary. Diary of Anne Frank ...I don't think what I have to say is THAT profound. But if a selfless 15 year old can do this, then I can too. 

But...why do I blog?.....I suppose it goes much deeper than that. As I have stated before, I initially started blogging when my grandmother become ill. Blogging became a way to cope and get my thoughts and emotions out when I was 12 hours away from Granny and the rest of my family. Writing is very cathartic for me.

Also, I feel like I have a lot to say that maybe can help someone else that may feel or experience some of the things that I have. I don't pretend to be the "end all-be all" of answers for everyone. But if I can reach one and help one person, than my job is done...as cliche as it sounds. There are 7 BILLION people in the world. Out of that number, 650 MILLION of those people are disabled. If ONE of those 650 MILLION people reads my blog and realizes that they can still have a life...that they don't have to stay locked up alone in their home...that they CAN live on their own...have friends....Date...get married....Do EVERYTHING else that the non-disabled population does, then YES...my job is done!!!

Also, I'm grown and I do what I want. :-P

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

My husband, whom I have spoken of briefly in my blog entries, and I finally received a divorce this past February. We were married for 4 years and then we were separated for another 4 years. So, it wasn't a surprise. If I could have afforded it, we would have divorced about 4 years sooner than we actually did. 

In the beginning, a divorce was a daunting, scary idea. The end of a relationship. Permanently. No matter how much you want it and know it is for the best, you begin to question whether or not you did everything humanly possible to stay together. I know that I did. By the time I actually received the divorce, I was already in a loving relationship with someone else. The kind of relationship you hope for. I was actually excited to get the divorce. We didn't share kids or property. So it was pretty clear-cut. I went into the judges chambers alone as a married woman and I came out as divorced. 

For me, it wasn't a scarring painful experience. Maybe it's because so much time had passed. Or maybe it's because I'm the one that wanted it. He was not there. He couldn't be found. So, without him there, it was pretty simple to deal with. It was all over within 15 minutes. Afterwards, my boyfriend and I went to IHOP for breakfast to celebrate. How bad is that? HAHA!

I'm Just Not Good With Changes

I guess this is the follow-up to my last blog entry. This is about change and how the loss of my Granny has affected me. As I said in the last entry, I'm still grieving, 4 months later. I fully believe that I will be for the rest of my own life. In the days after her passing, I found comfort in my family, as one would expect under the circumstance. 

Granny passed away 8 days before Christmas last year. That was the biggest change for me...and I'm sure the rest of the family. How do you celebrate a major holiday so soon after your 96 year old matriarch is gone??? We spent Christmas Eve the same way we have spent Christmas in my 38 year existence...at Granny's house. It was my choice. I asked if we could, because I knew that Granny wanted the house to be sold and I thought we'd never meet there as a family again. That change was unbearable. Each of us has amazing memories of that tiny little old house, Granny and Papa. So, on top of Granny dying, we met at her house on Christmas Eve. There was a huge deafening absence. I won't deny that. I think it may have been a mistake for us all to be there. It was too soon.

No one in the family wanted the house, at the time...except me...but I don't exactly have the finances or credit to buy a house. So, I had accepted the fact that a major part of our family and our family's history would be gone from us forever. Except it isn't. 

Somewhere along the lines, my brother Brian, and his wife Angela decided to buy the house!!! And Brian was able to get the loan on his own. Now, you'd have to know Brian's financial history to understand, but I was...and I AM INCREDIBLY proud of him for that. I know that Granny wanted him to have the house.

But I will admit, I wasn't...and I'm still not prepared for what happened next. I, honestly thought that they would keep the house as it was and just do repairs that were needed. I wasn't prepared at all for the new walls, floors and the ripping out of the carpet. I was very upset by that. Actually, upset is a huge understatement. Everyone tells me that it's "still Granny's house". But it's not. If it was, she'd still be alive and living there and everything would still look the same. It's Brian and Angela's house now. With new walls, an extra bedroom and new hardwood floors. And a new front door. Ugh...the door. Admittedly, that's what set me over the edge. Granny and I had painted love birds in the style of stained glass on her old door. And now that door is gone. It was the only thing that I could tangibly see and feel that Granny and I had worked on together. And it's...it's just gone. All these changes, coupled with the fact that I'm still grieving, are too much for me. Yea, I have her jewelry. And I wear her pearls on days I need to feel closest to her. But the house.....no matter what anyone says, it's not the same. Not to me anyway. 

Let me make it clear that I don't fault my brother and Angela. Logically, I know that it's their house and they have the absolute right to make it their own. But everyone else gets to see the changes gradually as they happen...and me, I have to see them all at one time. And that is no one's fault either. But it's like I am going to a whole new house. It's just so hard for me to understand. It's even harder for me to explain my feelings about all of this. Even I think my feelings are NOT rational. But I can't change them. I certainly would if I could!! I truly want to share in their happiness of their accomplishments. All I keep thinking, though, is..."but it's Granny's house. You can't do that!" And I have to say, that some of the changes were going to be for me....the new door? Wider...so that my wheelchair would go in easier. And they were going to build a ramp too. But, I don't know if they will now...and I'm not sure I deserve it anyway. I would totally understand if they didn't add on a ramp at this point.

I think in time I will be okay with it all. I mean, I will never be okay with Granny being gone. NEVER! But I think I will be okay with the house, in time. It will just take some getting use to.  That's what life is all about. Changes, getting use to and accepting them. I want to do that. I'm working on it. Because, like I said, I am so incredibly proud of Brian (you too, Angela!). I love him(again, you too Angela) with all my heart. And I know Granny would be/is proud of him too. Plus, I think Granny would really want me to accept this. Because, after all is said and done now, that house, no matter the changes, will always be a part of our family. And the changes don't take away all of the memories we made in that house. 

Granny Made A Believer Out Of Me

I started blogging on August 13, 2013. That's eight months ago. I started the blog as a way to get out all of my thoughts and feelings on various topics. But more specifically, I started it as a way to pass time by because my Granny Granny was taken to the hospital that very night at the age of 95. She and the rest of my family are in North Carolina...I'm 12 hours away in Florida. And there wasn't a whole lot I could do at the time. By the end of the month, I had gotten the chance to fly to NC to see Granny and be with the rest of my family. At the time, Granny was in a rehab facility and was not doing too bad at all.

This Thursday, Granny will have been gone for 4 months. I still can't believe it's been that long. I haven't blogged in 3 months, because I started all of this because of her. When she passed away, there didn't seem to be a reason to continue it. I was wrong. I still have things to say and thoughts and issues to work through and I think blogging will help with that. Especially where Granny is concerned. There are days that are still unbearable for me. Some days I still cry for her. I thought after 4 months, it would be different. It's not. It's a little easier. But not by much. But that's not what this blog is about. That will be the next one.

I named this blog "Granny Made A Believer Out Of Me" for a reason. I am the very first one to admit that, even though I was raised in a Christian home, I grew up to have doubts (I think that's normal) about a Higher Power (insert the name God, Buddha, Allah...whatever your religion calls it) and about religion, in general. I don't remember when I started to have doubts. Just some time in my adulthood, I realized, I wasn't much of a believer and I was OK with that. Hey, it wasn't like He was showing me that He existed...or maybe He was and I was just too blind to see. 

Fast-forward to December of 2013. My Granny is so sick...and in the hospital. It's clear that she isn't going to make it. My Granny was the most Godly, woman I have ever known in my life. And she is suffering. God and I had it out. Well, okay. I had it out with God....He just listened. I could NOT understand why He allowed her to suffer...this woman that has devoted her entire life to Him...and He was allowing her to suffer in pain. He wasn't healing her and He wasn't calling her to come home with Him. If He truly existed, He wouldn't do that...would He? Maybe He was testing Granny's Will.....Or, maybe He was testing MINE through Granny.

I got to the hospital in Virginia where Granny was 3 days before she passed away. She was aware of her surroundings and surprised to see me. I ended up staying at the hospital (with several other family members) for 2 whole days...never leaving her side. I even slept next to her. As long as she was going to be there, I was too. Well, apparently a lot of us were. Several times she would wake up and see me there and tell me she loves me. And she'd squeeze my hand. Sometimes, she'd squeeze it in her sleep. One of the last times she spoke to everyone, she called out for her one and only sister. Her sister was younger and battling Alzheimer's. They had always been very close, but hadn't seen each other because of their illnesses in almost 2 years. Yet, she still called out for her sister. We learned that her sister had died that very day...and had called out for Granny too! (That still gives me chills to know that.)

Granny passed away quietly in her sleep surrounded by her family and all the love in the world that we could give her. Shortly before that, my brother was there with us. But he emotionally could not be there for that. I, on the other hand, WANTED to be there with her when she took her last breath. I was in the hallway talking on my cellphone to my boyfriend who was still in Florida at the time. And my brother was leaving the hospital to go home. There was a SEVERE thunderstorm going on that night....which is really odd for NC in December. I was telling my bf about the storm(he's from NC originally too). And we both were talking about how odd it was to have a storm going on that bad in the area. I should mention that all of her life, Granny was afraid of storms and didn't like to be alone during them. She certainly wasn't alone that night! I got off the phone and went back into the room and took my position beside Granny. I put my cellphone on her bedside table. 

Granny literally took her last breath during the largest clap of thunder of the night. At that exact time, my phone lit up. I was getting a text message. But I obviously wasn't going to reply then. It was because of my cell phone that we knew exactly what time Granny passed away...8:14pm. My cousin, (who could not be there with us) had said that he felt compelled to check in to see how Granny and I were doing. So he sent me a text...and the exact moment she past. 

Mom needed a moment to herself. So she stepped out into the hallway to be alone. As she did that, a doctor and nurse were walking by. The nurse said, "Dr _____, can you believe the thunderstorm we are having...in DECEMBER?! The Dr replied, "That's not an ordinary storm. An angel is galloping on a white horse through Heaven tonight!" Mom was dumbfounded. She was in such shock that she didn't have a chance to tell them that the angel was her mother. 

And, then, there's the picture. Mom had to take pictures of Granny's house and the furnishings for the lawyer. In the picture, there are 3 clear orbs...each of different sizes. One for Granny. One for Papa. And one for Melvin, their son that died at 11 years old. 

So, yeah, Jesus, I'm a believer, now. And I have Granny to thank for that. Because all of the things above cannot be explained rationally. There has to be a Higher Power at work here. Thank you for helping me to see that, Granny. I love you. And I miss you like crazy. 

There's Nothing Real About Reality Shows

I know I am in the minority here. But I truly do despise "reality" shows. I just don't think they are real at all. They always put families or contestants (depending on the show) in UNreal or scripted situations to see how it plays out. If the situation is scripted or NOT real, how is that "reality? Often times the cast are encouraged to act a certain way or they are flat out TOLD what to say. Whose reality is that? 

The very first reality show began in 1992...on of all networks, MTV. Real World focuses on the lives of young adults (often college students) that are complete strangers and who audition to live together in a large house (in a different city each season) for several months where their interpersonal relationships are recorded. In the beginning, I actually watched (and liked) this show because the ages of the housemates was so close to my own age and I could relate to some of them. I loved the fact that the show actually dealt with real issues that America's youth face every day...sex and sexuality, prejudice and discrimination, religion, abortion, illness, AIDS, death politics and substance abuse. It just started airing its 29th season in San Francisco. But, I don't watch it anymore. I sort of "outgrew" the show and to me, it's still scripted in unrealistic situations. 

But nowadays, there is "a whole nother" breed of reality shows. "Honey Boo Boo", "Duck Dynasty", reality shows about pawnshops and there are even "reality game shows" like "Survivor", "Dancing With the Stars" and "The Amazing Race", among others. 

But, again, there is nothing "real" about any of these shows. Sure the cast-members SAY that it's real. But, if you pay me enough, I will say anything you want. The genre's title of "reality" is often criticized as being inaccurate because of claims that the genre frequently includes premeditated scripting; acting; urgings from behind-the-scenes crew to create specified situations of adversity and drama; misleading editing; etc.

But, maybe that's the key? Maybe we don't WANT to see a real, true to life situation. We want to see something totally different from our own lives, so that we can feel better about ourselves. Cause, seriously, some of these families appear to be a train-wreck of under-educated rednecks. For me, I just cant deal with that. The shows and cast-mates are just too far fetched for me and I don't watch them. I don't understand how they can allow themselves and their families to be exploited on TV for money.

The shows that I DO watch seem to have a different format than the "Honey Boo Boo" types of shows. I watch "Pawn Stars" on History Channel, "Dancing With The Stars" on ABC, "Counting Cars" also on History Channel and a spin-off from "Pawn Stars", "Gigolos" on Showtime and "Push Girls" on Sundance Channel. Otherwise, I'm just gonna deal with the reality of my own life. It's going pretty good and I don't need an escape.

It's Not Really The "Greatest Show On Earth"

Tristen and I went to the Ringling Bros Barnum and Bailey (hereafter called, RBB&B) Circus last week "because I have not been since I was 9 years old & I wanted to go." I was struck by how many petitioners were there, lining the streets to the coliseum. Yet, I could not bring myself to look one petitioner in the eye. I think, partly because I didn't want them lashing out at me. I told Tristen that I understand that they are just exercising their rights, but that it was idiotic. Surely, in 2014 if the circus mistreated any animals, it would be shut down by PETA. Right? He just said meekly, " I don't know. I hope you are right." The sight of the petitioners stayed with me all night. Fast forward to the show. We're having a blast (well, I am, anyway) watching the clowns and aerial acrobats; but I want to see the animals! There's an intermission in which someone is reading a bunch of "facts" about the circus's animal conservation efforts. Finally they come out!! I don't see the first bullwhip, prod or ankus(its like a fire poker, seriously). So I'm thinking, "Great!! I'm right!! They don't hurt their animals!!". But wait. The lions, tigers and elephants don't act like that in the wild. They don't do those things. I slowly realize that they ARE mistreated if they are being "trained" to react this way because this IS inhumane. The information read during intermission is just smoke and mirrors. I see the discoloration on the elephants' ankles from the shackles. I KNOW this isn't right, now. Hell, they don't even have the content look of the animals at the zoo. We get home and I think about it all for a few days. I finally go on the internet to do my research and my heart just sinks. Hell I'm damn near tears just writing this. And I can't believe that after everything I've been reading that ANY circus (some zoos too) is still in business, let alone RBB&B. Though, maybe there are circuses that treat the animals better---I haven't found one yet in my research. But RBB&B is a multimillion dollar business. They can afford any and all lawsuits against them. They just pay the fines and keep on trucking like it never happened. I've now read I think about everything they've ever been charged with. And its horrifying. Hell, a cruelty to animals lawsuit was just brought against them again this past December. What I stupidly thought would be results from a time long ago before PETA and laws existed to protect these creatures, turned out to be MUCH more recent than that, including animals getting diseases and dying from them. Diseases that don't occur in the wild. like tuberculosis and herpes. A lot of this abuse occurs right here in Florida at their "conservation" facility. Remember the Disney movie, "Dumbo"? Remember how the elephants were mistreated? It's not just a cartoon. It's real life. Walt knew what he was talking about. These animals are beaten, starved, chained up for HOURS in small, confined spaces and severely overworked. 

I have always considered myself to be pretty intelligent. So, why didn't I already know these things? Why have I always turned a blind eye when the evidence has always been right there to find? I'm still doing more research on all the animals. But it seems the beautiful and majestic elephant is the one that is tortured the most. But there have been reports of a lion mistreated as well. He actually died from heat exhaustion and lack of water while travelling through the desert. The USDA has filed charges against RBB&B for forcing animals to perform when they are sick and diseased too.  Though it was many years ago, in 1929, John Ringling ordered the execution of a majestic bull elephant named Black Diamond after the elephant killed a woman who had been in the crowd as he was paraded through a Texas city. Twenty men took aim and pumped some 170 bullets into Black Diamond's body, then chopped off his bullet-ridden head and mounted it for display in Houston, Texas. Could they not have euthanized the elephant more humanely??? 

Remember me mentioning the ankuses earlier? Also known as an elephant goad or bullprod, the ankus is inserted into the elephant's sensitive skin, either slightly or more deeply, to cause pain and induce the elephant to behave in a certain manner. Eventually, just the site of the prod will incite enough fear to insure the desired behavior.  It consists of a hook (usually bronze or steel) which is attached to a two- or three-foot handle. Following, is am extremely graphic video obtained that shows the abuse when the ankus is used. Notice the "Greatest Show On Earth" headgear that many of the elephants shown are wearing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhQBpq0ZjDE The following graphic picture also shows the prod in use. 

And what about that Pegasus, mammoth and unicorn on display in this year's "Legends" tour? Do you REALLY think it's fair and humane to the animals to be forced to parade in "costumes" the way they are? Pegasus, is just a plain old every day horse forced to wear fake wings. The same goes for the horse made to look like a unicorn with it's fake horn. And I don't even want to know what the poor elephant went through to be forced into a "costume" that made her look like a woolly mammoth!  

Last week was, indeed, my LAST week of ever seeing another circus. And I will not knowingly attend any event held by Feld Entertainment... the parent company that produces Ringling Bros. I will not finance a company that participates in these vile acts. I can't undo my past participation of their cruelty to animals. But I can certainly stop it in the future and continue to educate myself (and you) in the future.