This one has been a long time coming from me. Each time I see a news story or social media post regarding a celebrity or political figure that is accused of sexual assault, it quite literally makes my stomach turn and I become nauseated. The past 2-3 years have become more and more brutal for me as it seems every day a new celebrity/political figure is accused. Some of the women, in fact, most of them, I do believe. Yet, there are those I simply do not. So, please don't think I am going to jump on the sexual assault bandwagon and believe every story I believe. I know there are some shady women out there that just want attention and money. That being said, I believe Christine Blasey Ford. I believe the countless women who accused Bill Cosby and a few other celebrities that have been accused in the past 2 years. I just do not think any woman will go through so much scrutiny, deal with death threats against her and her family, and never back down if she's lying. Dr. Ford simply believes that anyone capable of sexual assault (even if it was 35 years ago) shouldn't be able to have a seat on the bench of the highest court in the land. There are those saying because it happened so long ago and there have been no current allegations, it should be left alone. He was a young boy that just didn't know better. Did you, then, assault someone as a young boy/man? No? Why not? It's not a big deal, right? Did a young boy assault your mom? Your sister? Your daughter? Your wife? YourSELF? Is it still okay? After all, he's a boy/young man raging with hormones and didn't know any better, right? If you think it's okay for Kavanaugh or Cosby, you're telling the women in your life that it's okay if they experience the same things. It's not okay. It's never okay. In the case of Bill Cosby, he actually admitted in a sworn deposition that he drugged women with the sole purpose of having sex with him and some of yall STILL don't believe it!!
Sexual assault is not a political situation. Please stop making it one. It occurs to people from all walks of life and all over the world. It doesn't matter if someone is straight or LGBTQIAA. Wealthy or poor. Religious affiliation is of no consequence. Race doesn't matter. Age doesn't matter. Gender does not matter. In the U.S alone., one in three women and one in six men have experienced some form of contact sexual assault in their lifetime.*
Brett Kavanaugh has used the excuse(among others), that he couldn't have assaulted Ford because he was a virgin at the time. First of all, I do not believe that he was a virgin. But, let me explain sexual assault and harassment. Sexual assault is ANY act in which a person sexually touches another person without permission, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in ANY sexual activity against their own free will. It is a type of sexual violence which can include rape(oral, vaginal or anal), drug or alcohol induced sexual assault, sexually groping/touching/fondling, child sexual abuse and/or torture of a person in any sexual manner. Simply speaking, it is ANY unwanted sexual activity. Sexual harassment can include “offensive remarks about a person’s sex, unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors. Therefore, if Kavanaugh was truly a virgin, he still was quite capable of performing many forms of sexual assault and harassment.
'It was 35 years ago. Why didn't she report it then?' First of all, she discussed it in earlier therapy sessions. So, it's not like she never mentioned it. Women often DON'T report sexual assault. Men report being victimized even less than women. There is the stigma of being shamed and not believed. Also, the fear of the repercussions from coming forward often leads people to stay silent. Victims don't want to go through the emotional lows of reliving the experience every time. Doing so is very much like going through the assault again. It's such an emotional experience, victims sometimes just want to do their best to forget it happened. But, you can't forget, no matter how hard you try to push it out of your memory. It's always there in the back of the mind.
'She's lying because she can't remember key details regarding the "alleged assault"'. Let me tell you a little story. The first time I was abused by JP, I remember where I was spending the night (at a family friend's house). I remember said friend went upstairs to watch An Officer and a Gentleman. I fucking hate that movie now. I remember that I stayed downstairs to play Donkey Kong on the Atari. I remember I had to turn it off because JP wanted to watch the news. I remember the key story on the news that night was about a little girl that was raped in Chapel Hill NC. JP started groping and fondling my body and I was terrified. But, I didn't scream for help. Why? I honestly don't know. I was so scared of what he might do to me or someone being mad at ME. I pushed his hands away, but he continued. I was stunned. He asked me if I knew what rape was and I said yes, believing that I would be raped at that moment...yet, I was still unable to yell for the family friend(Let's call her EFP). PJP didn't rape me. I don't know why. But that was the first time of several over the next 5 years that he assaulted me. Each time, he threatened me so that I would be too afraid to speak up and it worked. I remember that I was wearing corduroy pants and actually being glad that I was wearing them instead of a skirt or dress. I don't remember what day of the week it was. I don't remember the time, only that it was dark. I don't remember the month. I only remember that school wasn't in session. So it must have been sometime between June and September. I don't remember anymore how many times he assaulted me. I now only remember 3 times. But I know there were many more.
The second time, again I was with EFP. Unfortunately, this time, we went to her parent's house, as we had done so many times before. She had to help her mom with something and would only be a little while. Dukes of Hazzard was on TV in the living room where I was sitting on the couch. I fucking hate that show now too. It's no wonder I don't know which is Bo or Luke. JP was sitting in his chair on the left side of the room telling me how pretty he thinks I am. I ignored him. I pretended to be fixing something on my leg braces. He wanted to "show me something". I knew exactly what he wanted to show me. I could see in my peripheral vision where his hands were. I didn't want to see it. I told him I'd look in a minute, but that I needed to fix my leg brace. I never looked. Eventually, he got bored waiting for me and went into another room. Or maybe he was pissed off. I don't know. EFP and his wife were in the kitchen the whole time. I no longer remember what I was wearing that day. He was wearing bib overalls. He always wore bib overalls. I don't remember what day or month it was.
The last time I remember him assaulting me was my 13th birthday party. Happy birthday to me, right? I was recovering from major surgery and couldn't have a real party. It was just me, mom, EFP and her parents. They went to the kitchen to get my cake. But, of course, he decided to stay with me. I thought I was safe because I was still in plain view of the others. I was drinking ginger ale out of a mason jar drinking mug with my left hand. He was sitting to my right on the couch with me. He was entirely too close. He was pinned against me actually. Mom kept watching me. I don't think she ever trusted him. Well, now I know she never did, but she trusted that if he ever hurt me, I would tell her. I didn't...for many years to come. JP decided to give me a birthday hug. He puts his left arm around me and started groping the side of my left breast the same way Bishop Charles E Ellis groped Ariana Grande at Aretha Franklin's funeral. I pushed him away and the ice in my glass clinked violently. Mom asked if I was okay. I said yes. I lied. I don't remember what day it was. I don't remember what I wore. It was September.
That was the last time I remember being assaulted by JP. After that, I actively avoided being around him. I had to do homework. I needed to take a bath...for 2 hours. I'm tired and need a nap. If I saw his faded blue station wagon, I would feel physically sick and develop anxiety. I'd make some excuse to not ever be around him again. No one questioned that.
It's been 34 years since I was first assaulted by JP. But the anxiety and fear are still there. I should have said something. I know there were other victims. I don't know if I could have prevented them. Why did I finally speak up? He died and because our families were close, I was expected to attend his funeral. For me, that was the final straw. I didn't wish to go and hear people speak of him in such a positive manner when he was a monster in my eyes. So, I told mom. She blamed herself, of course, and that's ridiculous. Right then and there she said I didn't have to go to the funeral and she wasn't going either. I told her she had to. He was the father of her best friend. She didn't go. She told EFP she regretfully couldn't get off work. But she didn't go to work. We spent that day together. We did go to visitation at his daughter's house. That was an enlightening experience for me actually. It was then that I truly learned that some people have many sides to them. His family would never know the monster I knew him to be. But I would never know the kindhearted, loving man his family claimed him to be. People that sexually assault others choose their victims carefully. They don't assault everyone. So, the ones they do not abuse just can't seem to fathom that they could ever do it. It's the same for murderers. They don't just go around killing everyone they come in contact with all willy-nilly.
I never told anyone else about the abuse except for childhood friends. I never reported it. I knew I wouldn't be believed. A huge part of me knew that if I came forward it would ruin my mom's friendship with EFP and I didn't want to do that. Sexual assault has a tendency to ruin many lives and I really didn't want that on my conscience. 34 years later, I wish I had spoken up. But I didn't and I can't change it.
Now, as I said, this is 34 years later, some of the details I've forgotten. I don't remember dates, times. I didn't keep a calendar of sexual assault events. But I assure you, it happened. nonetheless. But some of you won't believe me because I chose not to come forward when it happened. Some of you won't believe me because I don't remember everything about each assault. But, mostly some of you won't believe me because I'm a woman. And my assailant was a man.
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