"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." - Gloria Naylor

If you have been following my blog, you may have already read about my relationship that I had with my now deceased Daddy. If not, you can find it here. Today would have been his birthday. Well, I guess it still is. Right? His birth date didn't suddenly change when he died in 2005. I guess what I meant was that if he was still physically with us, we would be celebrating his 68th birthday. 

I miss him terribly. Even though I was never Daddy's Little Girl. I miss him. I. Miss. Him. I still remember his voice. That STRONG Northern accent. His silly laugh. That glimmer in his eyes when he smiled. I don't think I will ever forget those things. When I KNEW he was dying and I KNEW my physical time with him was limited (As if it hadn't already been limited enough, right?), I made a mental note--almost involuntary--to memorize every detail of him. I still remember what it feels like to hold his hand. And I swear to God, I still feel his kiss on my right cheek from the last time I saw him. I feel it on days like today...when his presence is stronger to me. I wonder....do my brothers ever feel this? I don't know. I have never asked them. I don't want to really know. It's almost a personal, intimate thing that I don't want to intrude on. They are physical carbon copies of him and had way more time with him than I did growing up. So, I'm sure they have their own moments of knowing he is there....of feeling his presence. 

I find myself wondering sometimes. I know we became closer, because his wife (my stepmother) passed away and he developed cancer. But what if none of that had happened? Would we have ever found our way to him...or him to us? Would we have ever had a relationship? I don't know the answers. I don't know what might have been. I only know what is. That is what I have to hold on to. Everything happens for a reason, right? That's what I have always been told. So, am I to believe then, that he developed cancer so that my brothers and I could develop a final, lasting bond with Dad? And, once that happened there was nothing left in this life for Dad to achieve; his life came full circle---so he passed away? In the final weeks after he passed, that is the exact thought that got me through his death. Believing in my heart that his one final trial was to have a relationship with us, and once he achieved that he had to leave us. I don't think he wanted to leave us. But he just didn't have a choice in the matter. There was a much higher calling for him. It is those thoughts that still get me through days like today. 

I love you, Daddy. 

                                                 September 19, 1945-November 16, 2005