D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

My husband, whom I have spoken of briefly in my blog entries, and I finally received a divorce this past February. We were married for 4 years and then we were separated for another 4 years. So, it wasn't a surprise. If I could have afforded it, we would have divorced about 4 years sooner than we actually did. 

In the beginning, a divorce was a daunting, scary idea. The end of a relationship. Permanently. No matter how much you want it and know it is for the best, you begin to question whether or not you did everything humanly possible to stay together. I know that I did. By the time I actually received the divorce, I was already in a loving relationship with someone else. The kind of relationship you hope for. I was actually excited to get the divorce. We didn't share kids or property. So it was pretty clear-cut. I went into the judges chambers alone as a married woman and I came out as divorced. 

For me, it wasn't a scarring painful experience. Maybe it's because so much time had passed. Or maybe it's because I'm the one that wanted it. He was not there. He couldn't be found. So, without him there, it was pretty simple to deal with. It was all over within 15 minutes. Afterwards, my boyfriend and I went to IHOP for breakfast to celebrate. How bad is that? HAHA!

I'm Just Not Good With Changes

I guess this is the follow-up to my last blog entry. This is about change and how the loss of my Granny has affected me. As I said in the last entry, I'm still grieving, 4 months later. I fully believe that I will be for the rest of my own life. In the days after her passing, I found comfort in my family, as one would expect under the circumstance. 

Granny passed away 8 days before Christmas last year. That was the biggest change for me...and I'm sure the rest of the family. How do you celebrate a major holiday so soon after your 96 year old matriarch is gone??? We spent Christmas Eve the same way we have spent Christmas in my 38 year existence...at Granny's house. It was my choice. I asked if we could, because I knew that Granny wanted the house to be sold and I thought we'd never meet there as a family again. That change was unbearable. Each of us has amazing memories of that tiny little old house, Granny and Papa. So, on top of Granny dying, we met at her house on Christmas Eve. There was a huge deafening absence. I won't deny that. I think it may have been a mistake for us all to be there. It was too soon.

No one in the family wanted the house, at the time...except me...but I don't exactly have the finances or credit to buy a house. So, I had accepted the fact that a major part of our family and our family's history would be gone from us forever. Except it isn't. 

Somewhere along the lines, my brother Brian, and his wife Angela decided to buy the house!!! And Brian was able to get the loan on his own. Now, you'd have to know Brian's financial history to understand, but I was...and I AM INCREDIBLY proud of him for that. I know that Granny wanted him to have the house.

But I will admit, I wasn't...and I'm still not prepared for what happened next. I, honestly thought that they would keep the house as it was and just do repairs that were needed. I wasn't prepared at all for the new walls, floors and the ripping out of the carpet. I was very upset by that. Actually, upset is a huge understatement. Everyone tells me that it's "still Granny's house". But it's not. If it was, she'd still be alive and living there and everything would still look the same. It's Brian and Angela's house now. With new walls, an extra bedroom and new hardwood floors. And a new front door. Ugh...the door. Admittedly, that's what set me over the edge. Granny and I had painted love birds in the style of stained glass on her old door. And now that door is gone. It was the only thing that I could tangibly see and feel that Granny and I had worked on together. And it's...it's just gone. All these changes, coupled with the fact that I'm still grieving, are too much for me. Yea, I have her jewelry. And I wear her pearls on days I need to feel closest to her. But the house.....no matter what anyone says, it's not the same. Not to me anyway. 

Let me make it clear that I don't fault my brother and Angela. Logically, I know that it's their house and they have the absolute right to make it their own. But everyone else gets to see the changes gradually as they happen...and me, I have to see them all at one time. And that is no one's fault either. But it's like I am going to a whole new house. It's just so hard for me to understand. It's even harder for me to explain my feelings about all of this. Even I think my feelings are NOT rational. But I can't change them. I certainly would if I could!! I truly want to share in their happiness of their accomplishments. All I keep thinking, though, is..."but it's Granny's house. You can't do that!" And I have to say, that some of the changes were going to be for me....the new door? Wider...so that my wheelchair would go in easier. And they were going to build a ramp too. But, I don't know if they will now...and I'm not sure I deserve it anyway. I would totally understand if they didn't add on a ramp at this point.

I think in time I will be okay with it all. I mean, I will never be okay with Granny being gone. NEVER! But I think I will be okay with the house, in time. It will just take some getting use to.  That's what life is all about. Changes, getting use to and accepting them. I want to do that. I'm working on it. Because, like I said, I am so incredibly proud of Brian (you too, Angela!). I love him(again, you too Angela) with all my heart. And I know Granny would be/is proud of him too. Plus, I think Granny would really want me to accept this. Because, after all is said and done now, that house, no matter the changes, will always be a part of our family. And the changes don't take away all of the memories we made in that house. 

Granny Made A Believer Out Of Me

I started blogging on August 13, 2013. That's eight months ago. I started the blog as a way to get out all of my thoughts and feelings on various topics. But more specifically, I started it as a way to pass time by because my Granny Granny was taken to the hospital that very night at the age of 95. She and the rest of my family are in North Carolina...I'm 12 hours away in Florida. And there wasn't a whole lot I could do at the time. By the end of the month, I had gotten the chance to fly to NC to see Granny and be with the rest of my family. At the time, Granny was in a rehab facility and was not doing too bad at all.

This Thursday, Granny will have been gone for 4 months. I still can't believe it's been that long. I haven't blogged in 3 months, because I started all of this because of her. When she passed away, there didn't seem to be a reason to continue it. I was wrong. I still have things to say and thoughts and issues to work through and I think blogging will help with that. Especially where Granny is concerned. There are days that are still unbearable for me. Some days I still cry for her. I thought after 4 months, it would be different. It's not. It's a little easier. But not by much. But that's not what this blog is about. That will be the next one.

I named this blog "Granny Made A Believer Out Of Me" for a reason. I am the very first one to admit that, even though I was raised in a Christian home, I grew up to have doubts (I think that's normal) about a Higher Power (insert the name God, Buddha, Allah...whatever your religion calls it) and about religion, in general. I don't remember when I started to have doubts. Just some time in my adulthood, I realized, I wasn't much of a believer and I was OK with that. Hey, it wasn't like He was showing me that He existed...or maybe He was and I was just too blind to see. 

Fast-forward to December of 2013. My Granny is so sick...and in the hospital. It's clear that she isn't going to make it. My Granny was the most Godly, woman I have ever known in my life. And she is suffering. God and I had it out. Well, okay. I had it out with God....He just listened. I could NOT understand why He allowed her to suffer...this woman that has devoted her entire life to Him...and He was allowing her to suffer in pain. He wasn't healing her and He wasn't calling her to come home with Him. If He truly existed, He wouldn't do that...would He? Maybe He was testing Granny's Will.....Or, maybe He was testing MINE through Granny.

I got to the hospital in Virginia where Granny was 3 days before she passed away. She was aware of her surroundings and surprised to see me. I ended up staying at the hospital (with several other family members) for 2 whole days...never leaving her side. I even slept next to her. As long as she was going to be there, I was too. Well, apparently a lot of us were. Several times she would wake up and see me there and tell me she loves me. And she'd squeeze my hand. Sometimes, she'd squeeze it in her sleep. One of the last times she spoke to everyone, she called out for her one and only sister. Her sister was younger and battling Alzheimer's. They had always been very close, but hadn't seen each other because of their illnesses in almost 2 years. Yet, she still called out for her sister. We learned that her sister had died that very day...and had called out for Granny too! (That still gives me chills to know that.)

Granny passed away quietly in her sleep surrounded by her family and all the love in the world that we could give her. Shortly before that, my brother was there with us. But he emotionally could not be there for that. I, on the other hand, WANTED to be there with her when she took her last breath. I was in the hallway talking on my cellphone to my boyfriend who was still in Florida at the time. And my brother was leaving the hospital to go home. There was a SEVERE thunderstorm going on that night....which is really odd for NC in December. I was telling my bf about the storm(he's from NC originally too). And we both were talking about how odd it was to have a storm going on that bad in the area. I should mention that all of her life, Granny was afraid of storms and didn't like to be alone during them. She certainly wasn't alone that night! I got off the phone and went back into the room and took my position beside Granny. I put my cellphone on her bedside table. 

Granny literally took her last breath during the largest clap of thunder of the night. At that exact time, my phone lit up. I was getting a text message. But I obviously wasn't going to reply then. It was because of my cell phone that we knew exactly what time Granny passed away...8:14pm. My cousin, (who could not be there with us) had said that he felt compelled to check in to see how Granny and I were doing. So he sent me a text...and the exact moment she past. 

Mom needed a moment to herself. So she stepped out into the hallway to be alone. As she did that, a doctor and nurse were walking by. The nurse said, "Dr _____, can you believe the thunderstorm we are having...in DECEMBER?! The Dr replied, "That's not an ordinary storm. An angel is galloping on a white horse through Heaven tonight!" Mom was dumbfounded. She was in such shock that she didn't have a chance to tell them that the angel was her mother. 

And, then, there's the picture. Mom had to take pictures of Granny's house and the furnishings for the lawyer. In the picture, there are 3 clear orbs...each of different sizes. One for Granny. One for Papa. And one for Melvin, their son that died at 11 years old. 

So, yeah, Jesus, I'm a believer, now. And I have Granny to thank for that. Because all of the things above cannot be explained rationally. There has to be a Higher Power at work here. Thank you for helping me to see that, Granny. I love you. And I miss you like crazy.