#PrayForPeace (Warning: Explicit Language)

A little more than a year ago, I became a direct sales associate. I decided then that I was gonna "be smart" on Facebook where I do the bulk of my sales. I was no longer going to post anything about politics or religion. And I was going to stop cussing and being vulgar. Basically, I was going to stop being myself so that I can appear bipartisan and gain a few bucks. Basically, I sold myself out. And this blog is going to make up for every last thing I have wanted to say, but didn't. If I lose sales or friends over it, so be it. I don't want your friendship or dollar if you are so filled with hatred that you can't see straight anyway. I'm sick of the racism, discrimination, and bigotry that goes on in this country. I want no part of it!! 

I knew nothing about the attack in Orlando until 1:30pm today. In some ways, it's wonderful to disconnect from social media and the Internet to spend time with loved ones. I do that on Sundays and Mondays to spend time with my husband on his days off. My heart ACHES for everyone there...for their loved ones....for the victims. 

I have friends and family that fall into every facet of the LGBTQ spectrum. THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE!!! They only want the same that everyone else wants....to live their lives without fear and hatred. They have that RIGHT!!! Just like me. Just like YOU! They are no different. Well, actually, some of them may be better than you and me. Who they sleep with. What they look like or how they style their hair. Their mannerisms. How they dress...it doesn't affect anyone but them. Leave them the fuck alone please!!! 

People keep mentioning that last night's attack was on a gay club. Some of you are basically saying it's okay. "Nobody cares about queers anyway." "Good, that's a few less fags I have to deal with. They're all a bunch of freaks." FUCK YOU!!!! Nobody cares about YOU, you homophobic pricks. And, in a sense, that's wrong too. Hate begets hate. It was a CLUB...The fact that there were gay people there is irrelevant. Human lives were lost. Stop putting the word "gay" or "bi" or "transgender"in front of other words. It's marriage. Not gay marriage. It was a club. Not a gay club. Stop labeling anyone for that matter. Black man. Mexican woman. Crippled child(for the record, I will throat punch you for using the word crippled.) We are all men, women and children. 

'It was a Muslim. ALL Muslims are BAD Terrorists.' You mean like all Christians are God-fearing, law abiding, people-loving individuals? Riiiight. I know a few Muslims. They are just as horrified of these attacks as any one Christian. We ALL know of Muslims. Comedian Dave Chappelle converted in 1998. Supermodel, designer and widow to David Bowie, Iman is a Muslim born in Somalia. Rappers Akon, Big Daddy Kane, Busta Rhymes, DJ Khaleed, Ghostface Killah from Wu-Tang Klan, Mos Def, Ice Cube, Everlast and T-pain are all Muslim. Dr Oz is a Muslim....He's also a quack. But I digress. Jermaine Jackson (Michael's Brother) is a Muslim. Muhammad Ali was a Muslim! Ahmad Rashad is a Muslim. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Yep. Muslim. Larry Johnson and Shaquille O'Neal are both Muslims too. Hakeem Olajuwon is. Rasheed Wallace. Hell, even Mike Tyson is! None of these mofos have shot up anybody in the name of Allah or Isis! My point is that not all Muslims are bad just like not all Christians are good. STOP BLAMING THE RELIGION! It's happening because these people are brainwashed into believing certain things are for the greater good. You know....Like a certain mustached dictator in Germany brainwashed millions of people during the early parts of the 1930s and 1940s.

I am so tired of people beating up on the Muslim religion. Human nature seems to be to fear what we don't understand instead of actually learning about it. And I am guilty of it myself at times. I will never forget, nor forgive myself when I was travelling one day and a Middle Eastern woman sat next to me on a plane. The fear I felt that one day is nothing compared to the shame I feel for my brief thoughts when I saw her. But, we spoke to one another and she was really nice. Another time, at the airport, I was assisted by a man from Iraq. We spoke for a moment and he was so pleasant. Very well spoken.He'd been in America for a few months. I can't imagine the racism and discrimination he receives working at an airport in North Carolina. I welcomed him to our country and I told him that I hope everyone he comes across welcomes him with an open mind too. And I mean it. (did you notice my label? No....let me correct it..... A WOMAN OF MIDDLE EASTERN DESCENT SAT NEXT TO ME)

Religion has nothing to do with how a person treats others. It's a guide. It has little to do with a person's moral aptitude. I know many atheists and agnostics. Guess what? They are some of the best people I know. Some Christians and Jews are some of the shittiest people I know. I'm not perfect, by no means. But I will, until the death of me, treat people with respect. All people. Even bigots. I do not know any other way to live my life. And it's so easy! I don't ever remember a time when mom pulled me aside and taught me that I needed to treat people well. It's something I just KNEW. We ALL know it. We are TAUGHT----or brainwashed into treating people shitty. To be fair, I do consider myself to be Christian. I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I believe those that pray, pray to the same God. Depending on our religion, we just call him something different. I do not believe in the Bible. It is a book that can be interpreted 1000 different ways by 1000 different people and each of them thinks they are right and the others are wrong.'God did not send down a book. He sent His Son, Jesus. Jesus did not write a book, quote a book or pass out books. He lived a life that INSPIRED A BOOK WRITTEN BY MAN.' He was merely giving us an example of how He thought we should live our own lives. I would rather live up to His examples and live my life that way than by quoting some book that someone else will misinterpret anyway. 

Now....Politics (I told you I was going to say everything that I have wanted to say for a year. You should have known this would be long.) Donald Trump. FUCK HIM! I can't stand him. He's the ultimate racist, homophobic, bigot. His first "Tweet" regarding the attack wasn't one of sorrow and pain for the country he wants to run. It was this: "Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness and vigilance. We must be smart!" He's more consumed with being right than he is about actually empathizing a nation. But, hey. He wants to make this nation great again. Fuck you Donald. We ARE a great nation. We have our faults(you and people like you are part of that.) But we are a great nation. We're a beautiful nation and I would not want to live anywhere else in the world. Again, I digress. Donald has a lot of followers that are voting for him. Liberal America explains it away as he's a racist bigot and his followers are a bunch of uneducated, racist bigots that just don't know any better. There is more to it than that. When he stands at the podium and tells Americans in small towns where the unemployment rate is sky-high that he's gonna send all of the Mexicans that stole their jobs back to Mexico and these small town folk will get their jobs back, it gives them hope. False hope....but it's still hope. Yes, I know, Clinton and Sanders both want to eliminate or lessen the unemployment rate. But, they don't speak the same language that a lot of Americans speak. It's a racist ignorant language. And Donald Speaks it well. The only wall we need built is the one that will keep him out. In my opinion, a man that mocks the disabled is not a man at all. 

And about this imaginary anti-immigration wall....how will that work? You all are so against immigrants that you forget none of us would be here if that wall existed and kept our ancestors out. Have a damn heart. America is a melting pot. A smorgasbord of culture. We have a little of everything and everyone here. We ARE the best. Is it so wrong that someone from another nation would want to come here to get a better life for themselves and their family? No....What would you do? You'd come here too. Or you'd want to. We build that wall, and you can't. 

Hillary is no better. She's got her hands in all kinds of illegal cookie jars. I want no part of that heifer. I'm a woman. But I don't have to vote for her just because she's a woman too. That's like people voting for Obama because he's black. Or, worse. NOT voting for him because he's black. Im not sure what I will do this coming election day. I so wanted Bernie to be the nominee. I have no problem supporting him. I truly believe he is for the people. For the first time since I was 18, I may just sit out this election and not vote at all. I will NEVER vote for Donald Trump. I didn't like that fucker before he got into politics. I sure as hell won't be following him now. The ONLY way I will vote for Hillary is if she chooses Bernie as her running mate. Either way, it's like voting for the lesser of 2 evils for the highest seat in America. The trouble with going for the lesser of 2 evils is that you are still choosing evil. 

Let's talk bathrooms! You gotta piss and you're transgender? I'll let you in the bathroom! I know you only wanna piss and I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid FOR you. For decades, our transgender friends have been able to use the bathroom that they want. Hell, for that matter, all of us have. I am a woman. But I have been in men's bathrooms, locker rooms, and showers when the women's accessible one was out of order. No transgender person is going into the bathroom to rape, kill, or maim you or your children. They just aren't. And if they were, they wouldn't be concerned about the laws. 

That's the thing about laws. They only work if people obey them. They aren't deterrents to keep criminals from committing crimes. If that were the case, the death penalty would have abolished murder centuries ago. There are people that are fucked up in the head that will never obey laws and rules. It's just the way it is. That being said, there is no circumstance or situation that you can tell me about that a civilian needs an assault rifle. So, yes. There ARE some gun laws that need to be more strict. There again, it'll only work with the people that choose to obey it. Speaking of guns. Well, lookie here. Here it is...June 13th and Obama hasn't taken nary a damn gun from anybody. Your fear is invalid. Whoda thunk that? Uh....Most of America and the rest of the world actually! 

So....there you have it. I am a Democrat. A Bernie Sanders follower that doesn't care for Hillary. I don't like Donald....at all. I'm a Christian that believes in God and Jesus. But I don't follow the Bible. I believe in taking away assault rifles and letting those not comfortable with the body they were born with to choose the bathrooms of their choice. I believe in being kind and loving one another. I believe in tolerance for all races, religions, creeds, sexes, and genders. And I believe you have the right to feel the exact opposite as me. I am ok with what you want to believe as long as you are okay with what I believe. We will never change each other's mind. And as long as you don't spew hate, you're all right in my book. If you do, well....I just can't kick it with you. 

One Year Ago Today........

I know it has been a long time since I have written. I couldn't let this one go, though. One year ago this very night(almost to the minute), my husband took me to the ER. I had been experiencing pelvic pain for a few months. {I had already seen my gynecologist(Dr JVT) in regards to the pain and he basically said that it was in my head and that the miscarriage I knew I had suffered in January was just a late heavy period because I can't possibly get pregnant because I have too much scarred tissue inside my body.} And on this particular night, it was at an all time level of pain. I was doubled over in pain in tears and my husband begged me to let him take me to the hospital. Truthfully, had it been anyone else, I don't think I would have gone. But, as I looked into his eyes, I could see his concern and fear for me. We arrived to the ER on this night one year ago at about 9 pm. To our shock, when I described my pain level and location, I was whisked away to a room IMMEDIATELY....NO WAITING AT ALL! Almost just as quickly, I was given morphine for the pain. It helped get rid of the pain instantly. I was poked...prodded...examined from every orifice of my body that you can imagine. Finally, at some point during the night(I stayed overnight for observation), we were told that I have a pelvic mass. I didn't know what that meant at all. Then we were told that they didn't know if it was benign or malignant. I don't know if it was the morphine or if I was in shock. Or maybe it's my medical background that allowed me to sit there and calmly listen as Dr Jackson explained everything. But then he said the words that really shocked us. I was pregnant. I told him that he was mistaking and that he should run the test again because my gyno that I have seen for 5 years says I can't get pregnant due to all of this scarred tissue. Dr Jackson said he ran the test 3 times and that "scarred tissue" is the mass. I'm pregnant? WOW! I was elated! Until he told me that due to the mass, the pregnancy wasn't viable. I could have gone ahead and had an abortion knowing that. I always believed myself to be pro-choice. But faced with that decision, we decided there was no decision to make. If the pregnancy wasn't going to last, it wasn't going to be our decision. So, we did NOT have an abortion. But we would not be able to treat or remove the mass unless I was in my 2nd trimester. We had numerous ultrasounds to check the fetus, and for a time, all was well. We even got to hear the heartbeat. For the record, that has got to be the most amazing sound in the world. At one time, there was even twins! Can you imagine me with TWINS? I can't!!! But, it was not to be. On July 3rd, during my 8th week of pregnancy, I started bleeding. We went to the ER once more and learned that I was having a miscarriage. There was nothing that could be done. I knew it was inevitable. We expected it. Still, you just cannot prepare yourself for this outcome. Learning about the miscarriage...experiencing it, is something I don't think I will ever get over.

We left the ER shortly after that and I commented on how swollen my left leg was all of the sudden. We thought nothing of it and figured my body was just going through the motions of dealing with so much trauma at one time....pelvic mass, pregnancy, miscarriage. That IS a lot for one body to deal with in a short period of time. Then factor in that I have Spina Bifida and I am paralyzed from my knees down, it just seemed likely to work itself out in time. Throughout the weekend, the swelling never went down and my leg hurt so much....well....from the knees up where I'm not paralyzed anyway. Luckily, I had an appointment with my surgeon at Moffitt Cancer Center(the surgeon scheduled to remove the pelvic mass, Dr Chon) the following Monday (July 6th) when we were suppose to discuss more options for the mass. My surgeon is at a cancer clinic because we do not know if the mass is malignant or benign at this time. We informed her of the miscarriage and I casually mentioned the swelling in my leg and showed her. The look on her face told me this was serious. I was immediately whisked away to ultrasound....this time to be checked for a blood clot. Even then I'm in denial. I'm a paraplegic and I'm nearly 40. I have never had a blood clot. I'm pretty active. Why would I have a blood clot? The ultrasound is clear. It's a blood clot. DAMMIT! I cried right then and there on the exam table. People die from blood clots! Then I remembered...I don't know if this pelvic mass is cancer...I could die either way. I felt so hopeless. I have had more than 50 operations in my life due to SB and THIS is what made me feel hopeless...Like THIS is what was going to do me in. 

Sometimes, blood clots still allow blood to travel through the vein. However, mine is so bad that no blood can travel through the one vein at all. And it's the entire vein that is clotted. I was put on 18000 units of a daily injection called Fragmin. It's a blood thinner.

I had an appointment with my primary care physician on July 15th. It was suppose to be an appointment for her to clear me for surgery to remove the mass. But in order to get clearance, I had to receive chest x-rays, a stress test, and an EKG. All of these were scheduled through August 17th. So, I knew surgery would not be within the next month or so. Also, she wanted me to see a vascular surgeon to check the status of my blood clot. I'm all for that! My primary informed me that the Fragmin will not dissolve the clot. It will only keep it from spreading further. So, basically, Fragmin is keeping me alive because it is keeping the clot from travelling to my lungs. Alrighty....I did NOT know that! I thought the injection was suppose to get rid of the clot. Dr Soto (My primary) informed me that clots usually dissolve on their own. But it can take MONTHS for that to happen. And sometimes, they don't dissolve at all. The person just stays on blood thinners forever to keep it from travelling. And then sometimes, the clot is removed surgically. Dr Soto wanted me to see a vascular surgeon to be assessed to get his opinion on what should be done, if anything. 

My vascular surgeon is Dr Citrin...an amazing man. He admitted me to the hospital on 2-3 different occasions to try and get rid of the clot. He couldn't because the clot is so thick it cannot safely be removed due to my paralysis. So I still have the clot to this day. 1 year later. Dr Citrin believes that I had the clot for a long time and because of everything my body was going through, it showed itself. He ended up putting in a temporary IVC Filter to catch the clot if it tried to move during surgery. Don't believe those IVC Filter commercials you see on TV. If they are administered correctly, and temporarily, they are literally life savers. 

Throughout the month of August, I had all of the testing to get clearance for the surgery. That involved a series of tests, appointments, more doctors, and exams. I sort of somehow bypassed getting clearance by Dr Soto and I think she was kinda miffed at at that. When I saw Dr Applebaum (a cardiologist) to do the stress tests, he contacted Dr Chon himself and cleared me. So I was set! I saw Dr Chon one last time and scheduled my surgery for September 10th.....ONE WEEK before my 40th birthday. The birthday that we were suppose to celebrate in Vegas would now be spent either in the hospital or recovering at home. At this point, I didn't care as long as I actually made it TO 40! I didn't care where it was spent. I just knew that Mom was coming to be with me and I had my husband. I was fine with them. 

The day of the surgery I was pretty calm. I could TELL my husband was nervous, or scared, or whatever. He wasn't himself, that's for sure. Mom was mom. She appeared to take it all in stride. Then I remembered. She'd been through this with me 50 times before. She was kind of use to this. I was calm. I didn't shed a tear. Neither did they that I saw. I guess we were all being strong for each other and just wanted it to be over. I was kind of excited, actually. I know, that's kind of cray cray. But I was seriously excited. I knew that I was going to either wake up no longer having a mass and either dealing with a cancer diagnosis or a benign one. Or I was going to die on the operating table. I was at a strange peace with either of those. Either way the pain I had been experiencing for 9 months now, would be over. I was happy about that. Damn near giddy over it. 

Obviously I woke up...in fact, that was my first words! "I WOKE UP!" I remember the anesthesiologist waking me up after surgery, pulling out the tube in my nose(I don't recall it ever going IN my nose!) and telling me that I am okay and being wheeled to recovery where I would stay for at least an hour.

I wanted to know so bad....do I have cancer? I was going to ask the recovery nurse. But, I didn't want a stranger telling me if I did have it. I waited. I asked for water, which I could have. I waited a whole hour...just watching the clock. Finally I was moved to my room. My cousin, David, surprised me. He had been there the entire time waiting with my husband and my Mom. The surgery was more than 5 hours. They all greeted me. I took a deep breath and asked, "Do I have cancer?" They all said "NO! You're gonna be fine!" And I knew I would be. No matter what happened with the clot, I would be okay. 

Recovery WAS. A. BITCH!! I was in so much pain! Abdominal/pelvic surgery has got to be the most painful. September 28th, I saw Dr Chon for the final time for my last appointment with her for a follow-up. We hugged and said our goodbyes. She hugged my husband. I cried. This woman, that I don't know, has paid a pivotal role in my life for 3 solid months, often on a weekly basis. It had been nearly 3 weeks since my surgery and I was fine. Mom was still here and we left the doctor's office and went straight to the airport for her to catch her flight back home. I think that was my most emotional day that I have ever experienced on a personal level. Saying bye to the woman that gave me life...and saying goodbye to the woman that I equated with giving me that life back. 

We saw Dr Citrin the following month to remove the filter. He tried unsuccessfully to remove the clot again. It just isn't to be. I will have it for the rest of my life. I am currently on Xarelto pills because I was actually allergic to the Fragmin shots I was on. I went to the ER one last time that month because I had cellulitis. That wasn't fun either. AT ALL. The worst part (other than it being deadly) was the antibiotics I was on. Keflex is HORRIBLE. It smells horrible. It's huge and it made me feel like ASS. And I had to take 40 of them over a 10 day period of time. But they worked. Again, I am grateful for that. 

One year to the day after my very first hospital stay and 8 months after my last ER visit, I am well. I'm healed. Tristen and I don't know if we can have children now. We've seen doctors that say we can and doctors that say we shouldn't. I'm 41 and I now only have 1 ovary and Fallopian tube due to the surgery. Having children at this late stage seems unlikely and that makes me sad. I wanted us to be parents. I wanted to give him the girl he's always wanted. Surrogacy and adoption are too expensive. To be clear, we aren't doing anything to prevent a pregnancy. But we aren't actively seeking assistance either. In some ways, I am traumatized and don't want to go through anymore medical situations that pregnancy would present for me. After all, through everything last year, I was in 3 hospitals almost 10 times. But, we've also just decided to leave it up to God and the Fates. 

I know whatever happens, we both got this - together. 

M