I'm Just Not Good With Changes

I guess this is the follow-up to my last blog entry. This is about change and how the loss of my Granny has affected me. As I said in the last entry, I'm still grieving, 4 months later. I fully believe that I will be for the rest of my own life. In the days after her passing, I found comfort in my family, as one would expect under the circumstance. 

Granny passed away 8 days before Christmas last year. That was the biggest change for me...and I'm sure the rest of the family. How do you celebrate a major holiday so soon after your 96 year old matriarch is gone??? We spent Christmas Eve the same way we have spent Christmas in my 38 year existence...at Granny's house. It was my choice. I asked if we could, because I knew that Granny wanted the house to be sold and I thought we'd never meet there as a family again. That change was unbearable. Each of us has amazing memories of that tiny little old house, Granny and Papa. So, on top of Granny dying, we met at her house on Christmas Eve. There was a huge deafening absence. I won't deny that. I think it may have been a mistake for us all to be there. It was too soon.

No one in the family wanted the house, at the time...except me...but I don't exactly have the finances or credit to buy a house. So, I had accepted the fact that a major part of our family and our family's history would be gone from us forever. Except it isn't. 

Somewhere along the lines, my brother Brian, and his wife Angela decided to buy the house!!! And Brian was able to get the loan on his own. Now, you'd have to know Brian's financial history to understand, but I was...and I AM INCREDIBLY proud of him for that. I know that Granny wanted him to have the house.

But I will admit, I wasn't...and I'm still not prepared for what happened next. I, honestly thought that they would keep the house as it was and just do repairs that were needed. I wasn't prepared at all for the new walls, floors and the ripping out of the carpet. I was very upset by that. Actually, upset is a huge understatement. Everyone tells me that it's "still Granny's house". But it's not. If it was, she'd still be alive and living there and everything would still look the same. It's Brian and Angela's house now. With new walls, an extra bedroom and new hardwood floors. And a new front door. Ugh...the door. Admittedly, that's what set me over the edge. Granny and I had painted love birds in the style of stained glass on her old door. And now that door is gone. It was the only thing that I could tangibly see and feel that Granny and I had worked on together. And it's...it's just gone. All these changes, coupled with the fact that I'm still grieving, are too much for me. Yea, I have her jewelry. And I wear her pearls on days I need to feel closest to her. But the house.....no matter what anyone says, it's not the same. Not to me anyway. 

Let me make it clear that I don't fault my brother and Angela. Logically, I know that it's their house and they have the absolute right to make it their own. But everyone else gets to see the changes gradually as they happen...and me, I have to see them all at one time. And that is no one's fault either. But it's like I am going to a whole new house. It's just so hard for me to understand. It's even harder for me to explain my feelings about all of this. Even I think my feelings are NOT rational. But I can't change them. I certainly would if I could!! I truly want to share in their happiness of their accomplishments. All I keep thinking, though, is..."but it's Granny's house. You can't do that!" And I have to say, that some of the changes were going to be for me....the new door? Wider...so that my wheelchair would go in easier. And they were going to build a ramp too. But, I don't know if they will now...and I'm not sure I deserve it anyway. I would totally understand if they didn't add on a ramp at this point.

I think in time I will be okay with it all. I mean, I will never be okay with Granny being gone. NEVER! But I think I will be okay with the house, in time. It will just take some getting use to.  That's what life is all about. Changes, getting use to and accepting them. I want to do that. I'm working on it. Because, like I said, I am so incredibly proud of Brian (you too, Angela!). I love him(again, you too Angela) with all my heart. And I know Granny would be/is proud of him too. Plus, I think Granny would really want me to accept this. Because, after all is said and done now, that house, no matter the changes, will always be a part of our family. And the changes don't take away all of the memories we made in that house.