Our Pup Needs Surgery

Our Freckles is 13 years old. I've had her since she was a puppy, long before Tristen and I got back together. She's more than a dog to me. She's literally my baby. she's been with me through several moves, 2 marriages, a divorce, and countless medical issues of my own since I am a fulltime wheelchair user. Saturday - December 29th, she began inexplicably making guttural noises and coughing up blood. We took her to the after hours emergency vet where she was diagnosed with an oronasal fistula and a heart murmur. She will need surgery. Admittedly, we can't afford this. I desperately need your help. I don't yet know what the final cost will be. But animal hospitals are not cheap. Please help in any way you can. When I need to adjust the goal amount, I will. This is just a starting point because I have no idea yet how much this will cost.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/387309928510262/?fundraiser_source=external_url

LIVE Facebook Spina Bifida Q&A

I HAVE SEVERAL SPINA BIFIDA/WHEELCHAIR/DISABILITY QUESTIONS YOU SENT ME TO ANSWER. YOU CAN SEND ME MORE DURING THE LIVE BROADCAST. And yes, you can share this!

https://www.facebook.com/scentsablydawn75/videos/10155858955861547/?comment_id=10155859876286547&notif_id=1539491962677299&notif_t=video_comment

#metoo and #whyididntreportit

This one has been a long time coming from me. Each time I see a news story or social media post regarding a celebrity or political figure that is accused of sexual assault, it quite literally makes my stomach turn and I become nauseated. The past 2-3 years have become more and more brutal for me as it seems every day a new celebrity/political figure is accused. Some of the women, in fact, most of them, I do believe. Yet, there are those I simply do not. So, please don't think I am going to jump on the sexual assault bandwagon and believe every story I believe. I know there are some shady women out there that just want attention and money. That being said, I believe Christine Blasey Ford. I believe the countless women who accused Bill Cosby and a few other celebrities that have been accused in the past 2 years. I just do not think any woman will go through so much scrutiny, deal with death threats against her and her family, and never back down if she's lying. Dr. Ford simply believes that anyone capable of sexual assault (even if it was 35 years ago) shouldn't be able to have a seat on the bench of the highest court in the land. There are those saying because it happened so long ago and there have been no current allegations, it should be left alone. He was a young boy that just didn't know better. Did you, then, assault someone as a young boy/man? No? Why not? It's not a big deal, right? Did a young boy assault your mom? Your sister? Your daughter? Your wife? YourSELF? Is it still okay? After all, he's a boy/young man raging with hormones and didn't know any better, right? If you think it's okay for Kavanaugh or Cosby, you're telling the women in your life that it's okay if they experience the same things. It's not okay. It's never okay. In the case of Bill Cosby, he actually admitted in a sworn deposition that he drugged women with the sole purpose of having sex with him and some of yall STILL don't believe it!! 

Sexual assault is not a political situation. Please stop making it one. It occurs to people from all walks of life and all over the world. It doesn't matter if someone is straight or LGBTQIAA. Wealthy or poor. Religious affiliation is of no consequence. Race doesn't matter. Age doesn't matter. Gender does not matter. In the U.S alone., one in three women and one in six men have experienced some form of contact sexual assault in their lifetime.*

Brett Kavanaugh has used the excuse(among others), that he couldn't have assaulted Ford because he was a virgin at the time. First of all, I do not believe that he was a virgin. But, let me explain sexual assault and harassment. Sexual assault is ANY act in which a person sexually touches another person without permission, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in ANY sexual activity against their own free will. It is a type of sexual violence which can include rape(oral, vaginal or anal), drug or alcohol induced sexual assault, sexually groping/touching/fondling, child sexual abuse and/or torture of a person in any sexual manner. Simply speaking, it is ANY unwanted sexual activity. Sexual harassment can include “offensive remarks about a person’s sex, unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors. Therefore, if Kavanaugh was truly a virgin, he still was quite capable of performing many forms of sexual assault and harassment. 

'It was 35 years ago. Why didn't she report it then?' First of all, she discussed it in earlier therapy sessions. So, it's not like she never mentioned it. Women often DON'T report sexual assault. Men report being victimized even less than women. There is the stigma of being shamed and not believed. Also, the fear of the repercussions from coming forward often leads people to stay silent. Victims don't want to go through the emotional lows of reliving the experience every time. Doing so is very much like going through the assault again. It's such an emotional experience, victims sometimes just want to do their best to forget it happened. But, you can't forget, no matter how hard you try to push it out of your memory. It's always there in the back of the mind. 

'She's lying because she can't remember key details regarding the "alleged assault"'. Let me tell you a little story. The first time I was abused by JP, I remember where I was spending the night (at a family friend's house). I remember said friend went upstairs to watch An Officer and a Gentleman. I fucking hate that movie now. I remember that I stayed downstairs to play Donkey Kong on the Atari. I remember I had to turn it off because JP wanted to watch the news. I remember the key story on the news that night was about a little girl that was raped in Chapel Hill NC. JP started groping and fondling my body and I was terrified. But, I didn't scream for help. Why? I honestly don't know. I was so scared of what he might do to me or someone being mad at ME. I pushed his hands away, but he continued. I was stunned. He asked me if I knew what rape was and I said yes, believing that I would be raped at that moment...yet, I was still unable to yell for the family friend(Let's call her EFP). PJP didn't rape me. I don't know why. But that was the first time of several over the next 5 years that he assaulted me. Each time, he threatened me so that I would be too afraid to speak up and it worked. I remember that I was wearing corduroy pants and actually being glad that I was wearing them instead of a skirt or dress. I don't remember what day of the week it was. I don't remember the time, only that it was dark. I don't remember the month. I only remember that school wasn't in session. So it must have been sometime between June and September. I don't remember anymore how many times he assaulted me. I now only remember 3 times. But I know there were many more.

The second time, again I was with EFP. Unfortunately, this time, we went to her parent's house, as we had done so many times before. She had to help her mom with something and would only be a little while. Dukes of Hazzard was on TV in the living room where I was sitting on the couch. I fucking hate that show now too. It's no wonder I don't know which is Bo or Luke. JP was sitting in his chair on the left side of the room telling me how pretty he thinks I am. I ignored him. I pretended to be fixing something on my leg braces. He wanted to "show me something". I knew exactly what he wanted to show me. I could see in my peripheral vision where his hands were. I didn't want to see it. I told him I'd look in a minute, but that I needed to fix my leg brace. I never looked. Eventually, he got bored waiting for me and went into another room. Or maybe he was pissed off. I don't know. EFP and his wife were in the kitchen the whole time. I no longer remember what I was wearing that day. He was wearing bib overalls. He always wore bib overalls. I don't remember what day or month it was.

The last time I remember him assaulting me was my 13th birthday party. Happy birthday to me, right? I was recovering from major surgery and couldn't have a real party. It was just me, mom, EFP and her parents. They went to the kitchen to get my cake. But, of course, he decided to stay with me. I thought I was safe because I was still in plain view of the others. I was drinking ginger ale out of a mason jar drinking mug with my left hand. He was sitting to my right on the couch with me. He was entirely too close. He was pinned against me actually. Mom kept watching me. I don't think she ever trusted him. Well, now I know she never did, but she trusted that if he ever hurt me, I would tell her. I didn't...for many years to come. JP decided to give me a birthday hug. He puts his left arm around me and started groping the side of my left breast the same way Bishop Charles E Ellis groped Ariana Grande at Aretha Franklin's funeral. I pushed him away and the ice in my glass clinked violently. Mom asked if I was okay. I said yes. I lied. I don't remember what day it was. I don't remember what I wore. It was September. 

That was the last time I remember being assaulted by JP. After that, I actively avoided being around him. I had to do homework. I needed to take a bath...for 2 hours. I'm tired and need a nap. If I saw his faded blue station wagon, I would feel physically sick and develop anxiety. I'd make some excuse to not ever be around him again. No one questioned that. 

It's been 34 years since I was first assaulted by JP. But the anxiety and fear are still there. I should have said something. I know there were other victims. I don't know if I could have prevented them. Why did I finally speak up? He died and because our families were close, I was expected to attend his funeral. For me, that was the final straw. I didn't wish to go and hear people speak of him in such a positive manner when he was a monster in my eyes. So, I told mom. She blamed herself, of course, and that's ridiculous. Right then and there she said I didn't have to go to the funeral and she wasn't going either. I told her she had to. He was the father of her best friend. She didn't go. She told EFP she regretfully couldn't get off work. But she didn't go to work. We spent that day together. We did go to visitation at his daughter's house. That was an enlightening experience for me actually. It was then that I truly learned that some people have many sides to them. His family would never know the monster I knew him to be. But I would never know the kindhearted, loving man his family claimed him to be. People that sexually assault others choose their victims carefully. They don't assault everyone. So, the ones they do not abuse just can't seem to fathom that they could ever do it. It's the same for murderers. They don't just go around killing everyone they come in contact with all willy-nilly. 

I never told anyone else about the abuse except for childhood friends. I never reported it. I knew I wouldn't be believed. A huge part of me knew that if I came forward it would ruin my mom's friendship with EFP and I didn't want to do that. Sexual assault has a tendency to ruin many lives and I really didn't want that on my conscience. 34 years later, I wish I had spoken up. But I didn't and I can't change it. 

Now, as I said, this is 34 years later, some of the details I've forgotten. I don't remember dates, times. I didn't keep a calendar of sexual assault events. But I assure you, it happened. nonetheless. But some of you won't believe me because I chose not to come forward when it happened. Some of you won't believe me because I don't remember everything about each assault. But, mostly some of you won't believe me because I'm a woman. And my assailant was a man. 

How Disability Memes Downplay Our Culture

First off, I'm going to preface this post by saying you can share it if you want; you don't even have to ask. Just don't copy/paste it. Beware that it will undoubtedly have strong language!

I've seen the following pictures no less than 5 times this week and they're all problematic for me as a disabled person. Let me explain.

The 1st picture is supposed to be a dig on today's millennial generation or whatever TF they are called today. Basically those under the age of 30---which, technically isn't all of the millennials, by the way. That goes up to age 37. I digress, let's assume it indeed means the 20-somethings and younger. The fact that people don't know how to write in cursive isnt their fault. The school system is failing them and so are their parents/guardians. You can't blame an entire generation for something they were never taught by their superiors. But that's not even the thing that bothers me. I abhor the word "cripple". But even that isn't bothering me. In this instance, it's actually grammatically correct. It's the fact that you want to immobilize a group of people simply for their inability to drive a stick shift. Know who else can't drive a stick shift? The disability community. This meme says to me that you wish to immobilize or get rid of us because you see us as inferior people since most of us can't drive a stick shift. That's preposterous! A stick shift isn't the standard to which someone should be held. Neither is writing in cursive. So stop sharing this bullshit meme.

The 2nd picture is nothing less than inspiration porn. Inspiration porn is the portrayal of disabled people as inspirational solely on the basis of their disability. Basically, you're inspired by a disabled person simply for doing normal every day things. A common phrase I see that's inspiration porn is: "Theres no disability except a bad attitude." That is fucking insulting and its bullshit. There's hundreds of disabilities and it's okay to have them. I don't live my life to inspire others simply because I get out of bed every day instead of slitting my wrists for being in a wheelchair. I can do damn near everything (if not everything you can) and it's not in spite of my disability. Just like you, it's because I want to. My life is actually pretty phenomenal these days, but it's not inspiring. And it's not inspiring that the guy is holding an umbrella for the girl in the wheelchair. Maybe it's her friend, brother, cousin, husband, boyfriend, etc and he's just fucking being nice. The people I see sharing this assume that he's a stranger helping the poor, defenseless damsel in distress. Even if he is a stranger, so what? I hope he would do the same for anyone, wheelchair or not. You know...just to be a decent human being without feeling pity for someone that doesn't need it. What bothers me is the photographer. He/she obviously saw this only as a feel good "awww" moment. It's not. It's just 2 human beings going about their day in the rain. So stop sharing the bullshit inspiration porn memes.

That 3rd meme is spot on! Finally, someone got it right! I can't tell you how many times someone hasn't wanted to talk to me about their shitty day/experience simply because they think I have it worse. We ALL have shitty things to happen to us. Mine are no better or worse than yours. They're just different. Don't be dismissive about what you are going through just because you think I (or someone else) am going through worse. Open up to me or to someone else. You don't have to suffer in silence. We can empathize together. ❤

1(800)273-8255 or text TALK to 741741

On May 30th, I posted a status on my thoughts regarding Roseanne Barr. You guys blew it up with your comments and support. Maggie, you suggested that I do a weekly commentary on events. So, here I am again. In the beginning, I had no idea what to discuss on a weekly basis, but I figured it would work itself out; and it has. I intended to write this a couple of days ago. But, I kept getting pulled away from it. Now I understand why. 
This past Tuesday, famed designer Kate Spade committed suicide. Today, it was celebrity chef and host Anthony Bourdain. The ignorance on social media has been overwhelming. 
No one just decides on a whim to commit suicide. NO ONE! Literally every one I know of that has killed themselves has done so because of a mental or physical illness. Congratulations if you don't understand that. That means you don't suffer from an illness that you can't escape from. Your joy isn't sucked out of your every waking moment by some demon that won't let go. Consider yourself lucky. 
Suicide is not a selfish thing. I don't think you heard me. Let me say it again. SUICIDE IS NOT A SELFISH THING. Some of you still didn't hear that. I digress. Someone that commits suicide does it because they think LIVING is selfish. They truly believe that they are a burden to their family, friends, and society. Depression lies. 
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States and each year nearly 45,000 people die from suicide. And that is up 25% from 20 years ago. But, that's just a lot of selfish people, right? For every "successful" suicide, there are 25 attempts. If you think that, you're an ignorant asshole. Men die by suicide 3.53x more often than women.
Let's look at other *statistics: 
On average, there are 123 suicides per day.
White males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in 2016.
Firearms account for 51% of all suicides in 2016.
The rate of suicide is highest in middle age — white men in particular.
Firearms were the most common method of death by suicide, accounting for a little more than half (51.01%) of all suicide deaths. The next most common methods were suffocation (including hangings) at 25.89% and poisoning at 14.90%.
There is no single cause for suicide. Suicide most often occurs when stress and health issues combine to create an experience of hopelessness and despair. Depression is the most common condition associated with suicide, and it is often undiagnosed or untreated. Conditions like depression, anxiety and substance problems, especially when untreated, increase risk for suicide. Yet it’s important to note that most people who actively manage their mental health conditions can go on to live a full life. 
Often, an individual that has decided to commit suicide just cannot see past their own mental or physical pain. They only know that they are in despair RIGHT NOW. They can't even comprehend that tomorrow night be better. So, they do what is unthinkable to many of us. 
I think in recent years, celebrity suicide has taught us that it's not a "poor person's" mentality. Suicide and mental illness affects everyone. It doesn't matter what your bank account says...what your gender, sexual orientation or race is. It just doesn't. It doesn't mean that you're weak. It's not a personal failure to suffer from mental illness and need help. We need to stop the stigma. 
Mental illness and it's many forms(PTSD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, dementia, ADHD, schizophrenia, OCD, autism, and MANY OTHERS) can affect anyone at any time! If you're shocked that celebrities like Chester Bennington, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain can be mentally ill and commit suicide because they "are rich and have everything", you do not understand the depths of mental illness. I urge you to research it. Look for signs in your loved ones. Reach out to them and don't give up. 
*Risk factors are characteristics that make it more likely that someone will consider, attempt, or die by suicide. They can't cause or predict a suicide attempt, but they're important to be aware of.
Mental disorders, particularly mood disorders, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, and certain personality disorders
Alcohol and other substance use disorders
Hopelessness
Impulsive and/or aggressive tendencies
History of trauma or abuse
Major physical illnesses
Previous suicide attempt(s)
Family history of suicide
Job or financial loss
Loss of relationship(s)
Easy access to lethal means
Local clusters of suicide
Lack of social support and sense of isolation
Stigma associated with asking for help
Lack of healthcare, especially mental health and substance abuse treatment
Cultural and religious beliefs, such as the belief that suicide is a noble resolution of a personal dilemma
Exposure to others who have died by suicide (in real life or via the media and Internet)
*Some warning signs may help you determine if a loved one is at risk for suicide, especially if the behavior is new, has increased, or seems related to a painful event, loss, or change. If you or someone you know exhibits any of these, seek help by calling the Lifeline.

Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves
Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online or buying a gun
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
Talking about being a burden to others
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
Sleeping too little or too much
Withdrawing or isolating themselves
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
Extreme mood swings
Finally, if YOU need help in ANY way, call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1(800)273-8255. Or you can text TALK to 741741. If you don't want to do that, please contact me. If you don't have my phone number, send me a private message and I will give it to you. You don't have to go through anything alone. And you don't have to be ashamed to talk to someone and seek help. 

#KateSpade #AnthonyBourdain
#depressionlies #NeverAlone 
#notweak
#mentalillness #stopthestigma
#suicide #anxiety 

*information gathered from https://afsp.org/about-suicide/

Roseanne, Freedom of Speech, & Its Consequences

Everyone is giving their opinions on Roseanne. Many are stating that her freedom of speech was violated. It wasn't. She freely exercised her freedom of speech. What the First Amendment doesn't guarantee is the freedom from the consequences of what you speak or write. That being said, I'm about to exercise my First Amendment right. I'm not free from consequences either. So, if you're so hurt or offended by anything I say, go ahead and unfollow, unfriend, or block me. If my opinion threatens you so much that you can't bear to still be friends with me either in real life or on social media, do your duty. But, you all speak yours every day and I rarely say a thing. It's my turn now; since I was asked. 
Roseanne had it coming. She made racist statements on a public forum. If ANY of you do that, and your boss sees it, you'll be fired too. I suspect she may have actually violated the fine print in her contract. 
There are those calling for other shows to be cancelled and stating this is hypocrisy at its finest because this show was cancelled and not others. So, let's talk hypocrisy. Why can Trump make all kinds of inflammatory remarks and NEVER have anything done to him? What about that hypocrisy? I don't watch shows like The View or whatever Bill Maher is on. So, I don't know those specifics. I obviously can't express an opinion on them. But why are you so worked up over other shows and not that Roseanne made RACIST STATEMENTS ON TWITTER?  Sure, it happens all the time. That doesn't mean it's right or okay. Ask yourselves what is most important here. 
BUT SHE APOLOGIZED, DAWN! 
Well, if I call you a cunt and then say I'm sorry after receiving backlash, does that make it okay? We still gone be good? Likely not. I don't believe her apology was heartfelt. She received backlash and knew the show was being pulled. THEN she apologized. 
WHAT ABOUT THE AMBIEN? 
Listen, Ambien makes you do some CRAZY shit...ask several of my friends. But what it's not gonna do is make you racist or say racist things. 
I FEEL BAD FOR THE CAST/CREW
Maybe I'm the cunt because I don't care. It's Hollywood. One day you have a job. The next you don't. They'll be fine and get work elsewhere. But I don't feel bad because they knew who they were dealing with. They should have expected an explosion of some kind. She has been in the limelight since the mid 80s and she's been a vile, disgusting woman ever since. This is nothing new. You don't just change that behavior. 
In summation, I don't give 2 shits about Roseanne or her show. I didn't like her or the show in the 80s and I don't like the 2.0 version. No, I dont stand by her or with her. To do so is to condone her actions and I'll never do that. Yes, I hear there may be a spinoff of the show with the other cast members but excluding Roseanne. Nope. Probably won't watch that either. 

Come at me.

I'm Sexual, But Not Asexual

Last year, I wrote a blog for an online organization that focuses on empowering people with disabilities to lead happy, healthy sexual lives. For whatever reason, they didn't use my entry even though they still paid me. I want people to still be able to see it so that it can possibly help someone. Here it is in its entirety, though I updated my current age😊: 

I was born with Spina Bifida. As a result, I am paralyzed from my knees down and I use a wheelchair full time. Growing up, and even now, in my early 40s, I have come to realize that many in society deem the disability community as asexual, or unable to have sexual relationships or any form of intimacy. Because of this, there are also many within the disability community that feel this way about themselves… or they are ashamed to be seen as sexual or sexy.

I can still remember the first time I had “the talk” with mom. It was actually a forced situation. I was about 9 years old and we were at one of my Spina Bifida clinics that I attended every 6 months. It was right around the time that I was learning to catheterize, and one of the nurses asked mom if she had talked to me about sex, menstrual cycles and all of the related topics. In the nurse’s eyes, it was the perfect time since I was learning about my ‘nether region’ to get this catheterizing thing down pat. Mom, however, was taken aback. The nurse said, “You do realize that your daughter can have sex, don’t you?!” Mom wasn’t actually disputing that. Her only reply was that I was too young for either of us to think about that. Like I said, I was about 9 at the time and this was in the early 1980s. I was the youngest child of 3 – the only girl - and mom was divorced, taking care of all of us. To say she was protective of me is an understatement. Still, we went home and had “the talk” later that day. It was brutal, as you can imagine. Remember YOUR first sex talk?

As a kid, I never actually thought about it. I just knew that I would grow up and have lots of boyfriends, eventually get married, and someday have kids. Just like all of my friends thought of themselves. It wasn’t until junior high that I began to realize that may not happen. I had PLENTY of friends… male and female. But no one was asking me out on dates. My only conclusion was that it was because of my disability. Even back then, people would ask me if I could have kids “the natural way” and when I said yes, they were shocked. I was becoming aware that people didn’t see me that way. Today, I’m 42 and I still get those questions and the shocked looks when I reply that I can.

I was 18 before I got my first boyfriend. We met my senior year of high school. And no, he does not have any disabilities. That seems to be a common misconception too…that we only date within our community. He was the person I lost my virginity to and we are married today. I was so incredibly shy about dating and guys when he finally came around. It took meeting him and falling in love with him for me to grasp that I can be a sexual person and not “asexual”. That I can be sexy---if only in his eyes. He broke me out of the shell that society had put me into so many years ago.

Admittedly, it’s a shell that I work hard to stay out of. When I fall back into the trappings that society seems comfortable putting me in, he’s right there by my side reminding me that I am my own person and I can do whatever I want with my body, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

Valentine's Day

I don't want you guys to get hung up on this day, whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. Love is love. You don't have to have a significant other in order to enjoy today. I know you're sitting there reading this thinking, "sure. That's easy for you to say. You're married!" But, I haven't always been! To me, Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love, period. Love for our family, friends, and anyone else special to us. If you don't have a significant other in your life, you still have plenty of love to give others in your life, I bet! Concentrate on that. Enjoy the love of your friends, your parents, your siblings, your children, aunts, uncles, etc. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, hospital, nursing home, or animal shelter and give them your love. And don't just do it today. Do it every day or as often as you can. Today, for me is just a reminder to not take those we love for granted. And, since it's the beginning of Lent, it's a great time to incorporate that into our lives on a regular basis. Tristen is working today and won't be home until nearly 10pm tonight. So our "Valentine's Day" will be Friday. We pretty much show our love for one another every day. So we don't need a specific day for it. If you are still feeling down in the dumps today(or any day, for that matter), please let me know. I'll do whatever I can do to try to talk you through it. Love yourself.

Just Thinking Out Loud

Seven years ago today, I put a deposit down on an apartment in Tampa Florida. I was staying with my cousin for 3 days just to find something. I was on a mission it seemed. It's often creepy to me just how badly I felt like I HAD to be here. Now I know that it was to find my future husband...the man I am married to today. It's also eerie to me that had it not been for my cousin letting me stay with him in 2002 for a couple of weeks, I wouldn't be here at all. That vacation led up to me wanting to find a place here 7 years ago. And led to me living here happily for the past 7 years with the man I love. I don't know what the future holds for us, as far as if we will live in Tampa forever or move to another city. But today's "anniversary" just spoke to me in a way that I needed to ramble on about it. I don't write often anymore. I'm too busy with my business. I miss writing ... and reading, for that matter. So, if you are reading this, I appreciate your loyalty.

Some Things Are Just Meant To Be

January 3rd, 1994 is the first day I ever remember laying eyes on the man that would eventually become my husband. We were in the 2nd semester of my senior year of high school. His junior year. It was the very first day of the semester....4th period....Advanced Biology class. I say that it was the first day I remember, because he says we actually met in passing briefly during the 1st semester. I have no recollection of that happening. So maybe God was thinking, " I have placed your soulmate in your presence, and you didn't even notice. Let Me try again." 

I was sitting in the front row of class when he walked in. I noticed him instantly. I don't know why. I think was just watching to see who would be in the class and to see if I knew anyone walking in. I noticed his style more than anything. Today, it would probably be called "metro-sexual". Then, it was "preppy". A white button up shirt that was tucked into a pair of nicely fitting jeans and a pair of Sebago shoes. The shirt was such a pale white and so thin, you could actually see through it. I wondered, briefly, if he was actually gay. He was just too cute. I brushed the thought out of my mind as the next student walked in. I don't remember who it was. 

Roll Call. I learned his name. Why was I ACTUALLY paying attention to find out HIS name? Geesh, Dawn. Get a hold of yourself!!! After roll call, the teacher started by putting us in groups of 4. This would be our group for the remainder of the year and we'd work with this group for all of our projects and labs. My best friend since 4th grade was in my group. Another friend since 8th grade was in my group. One more is needed. The teacher called HIS name! Wait, what?! I get to work with him, closely the rest of the year and actually get to know him??? WOW!!! 

Fast forward to the end of the year....about 6 months later. I REALLY like him....so much so that I start to panic about graduating and not seeing him every day again. Forever. I don't know what to do about that. I'm too shy to actually DO anything(I was back then, anyway....I thought). I had worked in the counseling office at the receptionist desk in years past. After graduation, they actually called me to see if I could help during the summer after I graduated because they were short of the help. YES....YESS! OF COURSE I WILL HELP!!! I mean, sure....yeah....that's cool. 

Since he was an upcoming senior, he was among the first students to come into the counseling office to make changes to his schedule. We chatted for a bit. He spoke to a counselor and left. Dammit, Dawn! You had one job and you blew it!!! Ah....but I didn't! Turns out, he had to make a 2nd appointment and come back! I was ready the 2nd time around. I checked his file to make sure I was giving him the correct one. I may or may not have noticed his phone number on the file. As I was handing him the file, I handed him a letter that I had written the day before. I really don't remember what it said. But I know I poured my heart out. I ended up calling him later that day. 

We started dating that summer of 1994 and dated for 5 years until Fate separated us again in 1999. I thought that was it, I always knew that he was the love of my life. I think I fell in love with him the day he walked into our class and I can't explain that. Some things aren't easily explained. Certainly not what happened next. I moved to Florida in 2010 with the man that I went on to marry in 2006, It didnt work out and we separated just 7 weeks later. A few months after that, I literally ran into my soulmate again. The man from my science class in 1994. 

We've been together ever since and are now married. Some things really are meant to be. 

The Death of the 2016 (Celebrity)

This has been a long time coming. Everyone and I do mean EVERYONE has been up in arms over the celebrity deaths this year. Depending on the news source you use, there have been at least 200 celebrity deaths this year. Everyone thinks that's more than any other year in the past. And maybe it is, I don't know. Every news source reports a different number of deaths because what makes a person a celebrity and whose deaths are considered notable are purely opinions. Those that are notable to me, may not matter to you. So, it's difficult to quantify an exact number. 

The Curse of 2016

There is no curse. Let's face it, life and death is a crap-shoot. Sometimes, your number gets drawn... and if you're lucky, sometimes it doesn't. The life of a celebrity is a hard one and it takes a toll on the body, mind, and spirit. It's life in the fast lane...literally. Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll, baby!!! Even if the celebrity has been clean and sober for years, the toll taken on the body is permanent from the lifestyle. And even celebrities who did not dabble with - or become addicted to - drugs or alcohol are likely to have experienced some strain and stress from their fame.

 Many of the deaths in 2016 came from celebrities that are among the "Baby Boomer" generation. These are the births between 1946 and 1964. That is a WIDE RANGE---52 years of age and 70 years of age and many celebrities that died this year fit within that range. This is when health begins to decline naturally, as one transitions into a senior citizen. 

The Decline of The Life Expectancy

A study was released by the CDC stating that the US Life Expectancy has decreased for the first time since 1993, when the death rate was higher due to AIDS, the flu, homicide and accidental deaths. Nobody knows why. There are a few thoughts as to the cause such as obesity, opioid abuse and suicide. So, If you are in your 40’s or 50’s, you will probably not live as long as your parents or grandparents did. Bummer. The overall death rate for Americans increased because mortality from heart disease and stroke increased after declining for years. Deaths were also up from Alzheimer's disease, respiratory disease, kidney disease and diabetes. More Americans also died from unintentional injuries and suicide. In all, the decline was driven by increases in deaths from eight of the top 10 leading causes of death in the U.S. It is inevitable that celebrities will fall into this. 

2017 And Beyond

When you factor in all of the above variables, it's inescapable to realize that celebrity deaths are on the rise...and will continue to rise. Not because there is a curse on any particular year. But because death is an unavoidable truth for our beloved celebrities...and for us. 6,316 people die each hour. That's 151,600 each day and 55.3 MILLION each year. It stands to reason that a good portion of these are celebrities. And there are probably dozens more that we don't even know about because their families kept it private. 

And, folks....I don't want to think about it either....But Betty White WILL eventually die. On January 17th, she will be 95. She has led an impressive life in that time and she IS America's Sweetheart. I'm going to be devastated when she goes too! But no GoFundMe page or anything else will keep it from happening if and when it's meant to be.

My Friend is Grieving a Celeb Death - What Do I Do?

Nothing. Let them grieve. It's true, they didn't PERSONALLY know that celebrity. But for your friend, that celebrity signifies or symbolizes something. Maybe it's a particular song or movie the celebrity is known for that got your friend through a break-up, death, or other hard time. Or maybe that celebrity was just very well-known and popular during your friend's childhood or early adulthood. Leave your friend alone and let him or her grieve. Don't be a dick by stating, "Why?! You didn't even know them!" Or "So-and-so died. It's time to get on the bandwagon and act like everyone is their biggest fan!". Don't be a dick, man....just don't. Let people grieve the loss that is real to them. And hopefully, they will do the same for you when you find yourself inconsolable when YOUR favorite celebrity dies.

Late Night Ramblings

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm always tired. Ever since my medical ordeal last year(2 miscarriages, major surgery, and a massive blood clot that can't be removed, no longer being able to have kids), I am in a perpetual state of tiredness. Yet, I'm perfectly healthy. You know....other than being born with spina bifida, now having 1 ovary and Fallopian tube as a result of the aforementioned surgery, and a left leg full of blood clots. I just can't get enough sleep or rest. My mind is constantly racing and I can't shut it off. That's a new symptom from the past month or 2. Which is exactly how long my husband started his new work schedule. I love my husband more than life itself. But, I hate his schedule. I'm alone all day now. Pretty much from 1:30pm until 1:30am, I am alone with nothing but my thoughts and 2 pets. I miss one-on-one conversation and dinners with my husband. Hopefully in 6 weeks he can go back to first shift. But, I'm terrified that he won't be able to. The past 6 weeks since he started this shift, have dragged by(or is it drugged? That's the one that has always confused me.).

The weather sucks. Whomever gave Florida the nickname of "The Sunshine State" can suck it. The summer months it rains ever day. There is no sunshine. My first summer here in Tampa, it rained for nearly 2 months straight. The gloom affects my mood. I feel like Eeyore. I can rarely spend time outside because the weather is bad now. I am afraid that I am slipping into depression. Yet....I'm happy. I really am. I have no reason to be unhappy. I have everything that I have ever wanted in my life except my family is far away. I miss them terribly.

I AM depressed by the things I read online and the things I see on the news. What happened to our country? People have become so self absorbed and no one cares about anyone else or what they may be going through now. It's so sad.

I told Tristen that I wanted to quit Scentsy. My passion is not there anymore and neither are my sales. And frankly I don't know how to get them back. I have struggled 2 months in a row to meet goals. Last month I didn't reach them. This month is looking unlikely too. Tristen told me no. He said, "You knew going into this that there would be slow or bad times. I don't think that you should quit during the slow months. If it continues into the better months, then we will figure it out. But you shouldn't give up now when it's likely to get better." He's right. Besides, when I buy something, it's because it's something we need or want. So I may as well get it from myself than from one of you. LOL

There are times when I come across as totally bitchy. I know that. But I don't mean for it to happen. When we are online, it's very difficult to understand the intent behind someone's words. So, we often read them a certain way and conjure up our own explanation of what the writer intended...often being wrong. I have been on both sides of that spectrum.

Okay.....I think that's everything. I am not quitting. I just wanted to share my thoughts and what is going on in my brain. I'm gonna be fine because I have to be. I don't give myself any other other choice. It's why I am sharing this. In case anyone else is going through rough times. You're not alone. You'll get through it too.

#PrayForPeace (Warning: Explicit Language)

A little more than a year ago, I became a direct sales associate. I decided then that I was gonna "be smart" on Facebook where I do the bulk of my sales. I was no longer going to post anything about politics or religion. And I was going to stop cussing and being vulgar. Basically, I was going to stop being myself so that I can appear bipartisan and gain a few bucks. Basically, I sold myself out. And this blog is going to make up for every last thing I have wanted to say, but didn't. If I lose sales or friends over it, so be it. I don't want your friendship or dollar if you are so filled with hatred that you can't see straight anyway. I'm sick of the racism, discrimination, and bigotry that goes on in this country. I want no part of it!! 

I knew nothing about the attack in Orlando until 1:30pm today. In some ways, it's wonderful to disconnect from social media and the Internet to spend time with loved ones. I do that on Sundays and Mondays to spend time with my husband on his days off. My heart ACHES for everyone there...for their loved ones....for the victims. 

I have friends and family that fall into every facet of the LGBTQ spectrum. THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE!!! They only want the same that everyone else wants....to live their lives without fear and hatred. They have that RIGHT!!! Just like me. Just like YOU! They are no different. Well, actually, some of them may be better than you and me. Who they sleep with. What they look like or how they style their hair. Their mannerisms. How they dress...it doesn't affect anyone but them. Leave them the fuck alone please!!! 

People keep mentioning that last night's attack was on a gay club. Some of you are basically saying it's okay. "Nobody cares about queers anyway." "Good, that's a few less fags I have to deal with. They're all a bunch of freaks." FUCK YOU!!!! Nobody cares about YOU, you homophobic pricks. And, in a sense, that's wrong too. Hate begets hate. It was a CLUB...The fact that there were gay people there is irrelevant. Human lives were lost. Stop putting the word "gay" or "bi" or "transgender"in front of other words. It's marriage. Not gay marriage. It was a club. Not a gay club. Stop labeling anyone for that matter. Black man. Mexican woman. Crippled child(for the record, I will throat punch you for using the word crippled.) We are all men, women and children. 

'It was a Muslim. ALL Muslims are BAD Terrorists.' You mean like all Christians are God-fearing, law abiding, people-loving individuals? Riiiight. I know a few Muslims. They are just as horrified of these attacks as any one Christian. We ALL know of Muslims. Comedian Dave Chappelle converted in 1998. Supermodel, designer and widow to David Bowie, Iman is a Muslim born in Somalia. Rappers Akon, Big Daddy Kane, Busta Rhymes, DJ Khaleed, Ghostface Killah from Wu-Tang Klan, Mos Def, Ice Cube, Everlast and T-pain are all Muslim. Dr Oz is a Muslim....He's also a quack. But I digress. Jermaine Jackson (Michael's Brother) is a Muslim. Muhammad Ali was a Muslim! Ahmad Rashad is a Muslim. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Yep. Muslim. Larry Johnson and Shaquille O'Neal are both Muslims too. Hakeem Olajuwon is. Rasheed Wallace. Hell, even Mike Tyson is! None of these mofos have shot up anybody in the name of Allah or Isis! My point is that not all Muslims are bad just like not all Christians are good. STOP BLAMING THE RELIGION! It's happening because these people are brainwashed into believing certain things are for the greater good. You know....Like a certain mustached dictator in Germany brainwashed millions of people during the early parts of the 1930s and 1940s.

I am so tired of people beating up on the Muslim religion. Human nature seems to be to fear what we don't understand instead of actually learning about it. And I am guilty of it myself at times. I will never forget, nor forgive myself when I was travelling one day and a Middle Eastern woman sat next to me on a plane. The fear I felt that one day is nothing compared to the shame I feel for my brief thoughts when I saw her. But, we spoke to one another and she was really nice. Another time, at the airport, I was assisted by a man from Iraq. We spoke for a moment and he was so pleasant. Very well spoken.He'd been in America for a few months. I can't imagine the racism and discrimination he receives working at an airport in North Carolina. I welcomed him to our country and I told him that I hope everyone he comes across welcomes him with an open mind too. And I mean it. (did you notice my label? No....let me correct it..... A WOMAN OF MIDDLE EASTERN DESCENT SAT NEXT TO ME)

Religion has nothing to do with how a person treats others. It's a guide. It has little to do with a person's moral aptitude. I know many atheists and agnostics. Guess what? They are some of the best people I know. Some Christians and Jews are some of the shittiest people I know. I'm not perfect, by no means. But I will, until the death of me, treat people with respect. All people. Even bigots. I do not know any other way to live my life. And it's so easy! I don't ever remember a time when mom pulled me aside and taught me that I needed to treat people well. It's something I just KNEW. We ALL know it. We are TAUGHT----or brainwashed into treating people shitty. To be fair, I do consider myself to be Christian. I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I believe those that pray, pray to the same God. Depending on our religion, we just call him something different. I do not believe in the Bible. It is a book that can be interpreted 1000 different ways by 1000 different people and each of them thinks they are right and the others are wrong.'God did not send down a book. He sent His Son, Jesus. Jesus did not write a book, quote a book or pass out books. He lived a life that INSPIRED A BOOK WRITTEN BY MAN.' He was merely giving us an example of how He thought we should live our own lives. I would rather live up to His examples and live my life that way than by quoting some book that someone else will misinterpret anyway. 

Now....Politics (I told you I was going to say everything that I have wanted to say for a year. You should have known this would be long.) Donald Trump. FUCK HIM! I can't stand him. He's the ultimate racist, homophobic, bigot. His first "Tweet" regarding the attack wasn't one of sorrow and pain for the country he wants to run. It was this: "Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness and vigilance. We must be smart!" He's more consumed with being right than he is about actually empathizing a nation. But, hey. He wants to make this nation great again. Fuck you Donald. We ARE a great nation. We have our faults(you and people like you are part of that.) But we are a great nation. We're a beautiful nation and I would not want to live anywhere else in the world. Again, I digress. Donald has a lot of followers that are voting for him. Liberal America explains it away as he's a racist bigot and his followers are a bunch of uneducated, racist bigots that just don't know any better. There is more to it than that. When he stands at the podium and tells Americans in small towns where the unemployment rate is sky-high that he's gonna send all of the Mexicans that stole their jobs back to Mexico and these small town folk will get their jobs back, it gives them hope. False hope....but it's still hope. Yes, I know, Clinton and Sanders both want to eliminate or lessen the unemployment rate. But, they don't speak the same language that a lot of Americans speak. It's a racist ignorant language. And Donald Speaks it well. The only wall we need built is the one that will keep him out. In my opinion, a man that mocks the disabled is not a man at all. 

And about this imaginary anti-immigration wall....how will that work? You all are so against immigrants that you forget none of us would be here if that wall existed and kept our ancestors out. Have a damn heart. America is a melting pot. A smorgasbord of culture. We have a little of everything and everyone here. We ARE the best. Is it so wrong that someone from another nation would want to come here to get a better life for themselves and their family? No....What would you do? You'd come here too. Or you'd want to. We build that wall, and you can't. 

Hillary is no better. She's got her hands in all kinds of illegal cookie jars. I want no part of that heifer. I'm a woman. But I don't have to vote for her just because she's a woman too. That's like people voting for Obama because he's black. Or, worse. NOT voting for him because he's black. Im not sure what I will do this coming election day. I so wanted Bernie to be the nominee. I have no problem supporting him. I truly believe he is for the people. For the first time since I was 18, I may just sit out this election and not vote at all. I will NEVER vote for Donald Trump. I didn't like that fucker before he got into politics. I sure as hell won't be following him now. The ONLY way I will vote for Hillary is if she chooses Bernie as her running mate. Either way, it's like voting for the lesser of 2 evils for the highest seat in America. The trouble with going for the lesser of 2 evils is that you are still choosing evil. 

Let's talk bathrooms! You gotta piss and you're transgender? I'll let you in the bathroom! I know you only wanna piss and I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid FOR you. For decades, our transgender friends have been able to use the bathroom that they want. Hell, for that matter, all of us have. I am a woman. But I have been in men's bathrooms, locker rooms, and showers when the women's accessible one was out of order. No transgender person is going into the bathroom to rape, kill, or maim you or your children. They just aren't. And if they were, they wouldn't be concerned about the laws. 

That's the thing about laws. They only work if people obey them. They aren't deterrents to keep criminals from committing crimes. If that were the case, the death penalty would have abolished murder centuries ago. There are people that are fucked up in the head that will never obey laws and rules. It's just the way it is. That being said, there is no circumstance or situation that you can tell me about that a civilian needs an assault rifle. So, yes. There ARE some gun laws that need to be more strict. There again, it'll only work with the people that choose to obey it. Speaking of guns. Well, lookie here. Here it is...June 13th and Obama hasn't taken nary a damn gun from anybody. Your fear is invalid. Whoda thunk that? Uh....Most of America and the rest of the world actually! 

So....there you have it. I am a Democrat. A Bernie Sanders follower that doesn't care for Hillary. I don't like Donald....at all. I'm a Christian that believes in God and Jesus. But I don't follow the Bible. I believe in taking away assault rifles and letting those not comfortable with the body they were born with to choose the bathrooms of their choice. I believe in being kind and loving one another. I believe in tolerance for all races, religions, creeds, sexes, and genders. And I believe you have the right to feel the exact opposite as me. I am ok with what you want to believe as long as you are okay with what I believe. We will never change each other's mind. And as long as you don't spew hate, you're all right in my book. If you do, well....I just can't kick it with you. 

One Year Ago Today........

I know it has been a long time since I have written. I couldn't let this one go, though. One year ago this very night(almost to the minute), my husband took me to the ER. I had been experiencing pelvic pain for a few months. {I had already seen my gynecologist(Dr JVT) in regards to the pain and he basically said that it was in my head and that the miscarriage I knew I had suffered in January was just a late heavy period because I can't possibly get pregnant because I have too much scarred tissue inside my body.} And on this particular night, it was at an all time level of pain. I was doubled over in pain in tears and my husband begged me to let him take me to the hospital. Truthfully, had it been anyone else, I don't think I would have gone. But, as I looked into his eyes, I could see his concern and fear for me. We arrived to the ER on this night one year ago at about 9 pm. To our shock, when I described my pain level and location, I was whisked away to a room IMMEDIATELY....NO WAITING AT ALL! Almost just as quickly, I was given morphine for the pain. It helped get rid of the pain instantly. I was poked...prodded...examined from every orifice of my body that you can imagine. Finally, at some point during the night(I stayed overnight for observation), we were told that I have a pelvic mass. I didn't know what that meant at all. Then we were told that they didn't know if it was benign or malignant. I don't know if it was the morphine or if I was in shock. Or maybe it's my medical background that allowed me to sit there and calmly listen as Dr Jackson explained everything. But then he said the words that really shocked us. I was pregnant. I told him that he was mistaking and that he should run the test again because my gyno that I have seen for 5 years says I can't get pregnant due to all of this scarred tissue. Dr Jackson said he ran the test 3 times and that "scarred tissue" is the mass. I'm pregnant? WOW! I was elated! Until he told me that due to the mass, the pregnancy wasn't viable. I could have gone ahead and had an abortion knowing that. I always believed myself to be pro-choice. But faced with that decision, we decided there was no decision to make. If the pregnancy wasn't going to last, it wasn't going to be our decision. So, we did NOT have an abortion. But we would not be able to treat or remove the mass unless I was in my 2nd trimester. We had numerous ultrasounds to check the fetus, and for a time, all was well. We even got to hear the heartbeat. For the record, that has got to be the most amazing sound in the world. At one time, there was even twins! Can you imagine me with TWINS? I can't!!! But, it was not to be. On July 3rd, during my 8th week of pregnancy, I started bleeding. We went to the ER once more and learned that I was having a miscarriage. There was nothing that could be done. I knew it was inevitable. We expected it. Still, you just cannot prepare yourself for this outcome. Learning about the miscarriage...experiencing it, is something I don't think I will ever get over.

We left the ER shortly after that and I commented on how swollen my left leg was all of the sudden. We thought nothing of it and figured my body was just going through the motions of dealing with so much trauma at one time....pelvic mass, pregnancy, miscarriage. That IS a lot for one body to deal with in a short period of time. Then factor in that I have Spina Bifida and I am paralyzed from my knees down, it just seemed likely to work itself out in time. Throughout the weekend, the swelling never went down and my leg hurt so much....well....from the knees up where I'm not paralyzed anyway. Luckily, I had an appointment with my surgeon at Moffitt Cancer Center(the surgeon scheduled to remove the pelvic mass, Dr Chon) the following Monday (July 6th) when we were suppose to discuss more options for the mass. My surgeon is at a cancer clinic because we do not know if the mass is malignant or benign at this time. We informed her of the miscarriage and I casually mentioned the swelling in my leg and showed her. The look on her face told me this was serious. I was immediately whisked away to ultrasound....this time to be checked for a blood clot. Even then I'm in denial. I'm a paraplegic and I'm nearly 40. I have never had a blood clot. I'm pretty active. Why would I have a blood clot? The ultrasound is clear. It's a blood clot. DAMMIT! I cried right then and there on the exam table. People die from blood clots! Then I remembered...I don't know if this pelvic mass is cancer...I could die either way. I felt so hopeless. I have had more than 50 operations in my life due to SB and THIS is what made me feel hopeless...Like THIS is what was going to do me in. 

Sometimes, blood clots still allow blood to travel through the vein. However, mine is so bad that no blood can travel through the one vein at all. And it's the entire vein that is clotted. I was put on 18000 units of a daily injection called Fragmin. It's a blood thinner.

I had an appointment with my primary care physician on July 15th. It was suppose to be an appointment for her to clear me for surgery to remove the mass. But in order to get clearance, I had to receive chest x-rays, a stress test, and an EKG. All of these were scheduled through August 17th. So, I knew surgery would not be within the next month or so. Also, she wanted me to see a vascular surgeon to check the status of my blood clot. I'm all for that! My primary informed me that the Fragmin will not dissolve the clot. It will only keep it from spreading further. So, basically, Fragmin is keeping me alive because it is keeping the clot from travelling to my lungs. Alrighty....I did NOT know that! I thought the injection was suppose to get rid of the clot. Dr Soto (My primary) informed me that clots usually dissolve on their own. But it can take MONTHS for that to happen. And sometimes, they don't dissolve at all. The person just stays on blood thinners forever to keep it from travelling. And then sometimes, the clot is removed surgically. Dr Soto wanted me to see a vascular surgeon to be assessed to get his opinion on what should be done, if anything. 

My vascular surgeon is Dr Citrin...an amazing man. He admitted me to the hospital on 2-3 different occasions to try and get rid of the clot. He couldn't because the clot is so thick it cannot safely be removed due to my paralysis. So I still have the clot to this day. 1 year later. Dr Citrin believes that I had the clot for a long time and because of everything my body was going through, it showed itself. He ended up putting in a temporary IVC Filter to catch the clot if it tried to move during surgery. Don't believe those IVC Filter commercials you see on TV. If they are administered correctly, and temporarily, they are literally life savers. 

Throughout the month of August, I had all of the testing to get clearance for the surgery. That involved a series of tests, appointments, more doctors, and exams. I sort of somehow bypassed getting clearance by Dr Soto and I think she was kinda miffed at at that. When I saw Dr Applebaum (a cardiologist) to do the stress tests, he contacted Dr Chon himself and cleared me. So I was set! I saw Dr Chon one last time and scheduled my surgery for September 10th.....ONE WEEK before my 40th birthday. The birthday that we were suppose to celebrate in Vegas would now be spent either in the hospital or recovering at home. At this point, I didn't care as long as I actually made it TO 40! I didn't care where it was spent. I just knew that Mom was coming to be with me and I had my husband. I was fine with them. 

The day of the surgery I was pretty calm. I could TELL my husband was nervous, or scared, or whatever. He wasn't himself, that's for sure. Mom was mom. She appeared to take it all in stride. Then I remembered. She'd been through this with me 50 times before. She was kind of use to this. I was calm. I didn't shed a tear. Neither did they that I saw. I guess we were all being strong for each other and just wanted it to be over. I was kind of excited, actually. I know, that's kind of cray cray. But I was seriously excited. I knew that I was going to either wake up no longer having a mass and either dealing with a cancer diagnosis or a benign one. Or I was going to die on the operating table. I was at a strange peace with either of those. Either way the pain I had been experiencing for 9 months now, would be over. I was happy about that. Damn near giddy over it. 

Obviously I woke up...in fact, that was my first words! "I WOKE UP!" I remember the anesthesiologist waking me up after surgery, pulling out the tube in my nose(I don't recall it ever going IN my nose!) and telling me that I am okay and being wheeled to recovery where I would stay for at least an hour.

I wanted to know so bad....do I have cancer? I was going to ask the recovery nurse. But, I didn't want a stranger telling me if I did have it. I waited. I asked for water, which I could have. I waited a whole hour...just watching the clock. Finally I was moved to my room. My cousin, David, surprised me. He had been there the entire time waiting with my husband and my Mom. The surgery was more than 5 hours. They all greeted me. I took a deep breath and asked, "Do I have cancer?" They all said "NO! You're gonna be fine!" And I knew I would be. No matter what happened with the clot, I would be okay. 

Recovery WAS. A. BITCH!! I was in so much pain! Abdominal/pelvic surgery has got to be the most painful. September 28th, I saw Dr Chon for the final time for my last appointment with her for a follow-up. We hugged and said our goodbyes. She hugged my husband. I cried. This woman, that I don't know, has paid a pivotal role in my life for 3 solid months, often on a weekly basis. It had been nearly 3 weeks since my surgery and I was fine. Mom was still here and we left the doctor's office and went straight to the airport for her to catch her flight back home. I think that was my most emotional day that I have ever experienced on a personal level. Saying bye to the woman that gave me life...and saying goodbye to the woman that I equated with giving me that life back. 

We saw Dr Citrin the following month to remove the filter. He tried unsuccessfully to remove the clot again. It just isn't to be. I will have it for the rest of my life. I am currently on Xarelto pills because I was actually allergic to the Fragmin shots I was on. I went to the ER one last time that month because I had cellulitis. That wasn't fun either. AT ALL. The worst part (other than it being deadly) was the antibiotics I was on. Keflex is HORRIBLE. It smells horrible. It's huge and it made me feel like ASS. And I had to take 40 of them over a 10 day period of time. But they worked. Again, I am grateful for that. 

One year to the day after my very first hospital stay and 8 months after my last ER visit, I am well. I'm healed. Tristen and I don't know if we can have children now. We've seen doctors that say we can and doctors that say we shouldn't. I'm 41 and I now only have 1 ovary and Fallopian tube due to the surgery. Having children at this late stage seems unlikely and that makes me sad. I wanted us to be parents. I wanted to give him the girl he's always wanted. Surrogacy and adoption are too expensive. To be clear, we aren't doing anything to prevent a pregnancy. But we aren't actively seeking assistance either. In some ways, I am traumatized and don't want to go through anymore medical situations that pregnancy would present for me. After all, through everything last year, I was in 3 hospitals almost 10 times. But, we've also just decided to leave it up to God and the Fates. 

I know whatever happens, we both got this - together. 

M

Please Help Freckles!

Freckles has been my pet, my emotional support, my baby since she was 5 months old. She is now 10 years old and in need of a dental surgery to remove her abscessed teeth. The procedure will cost between $1200-1500. Money we don't have because of my own medical issues. I'm in a wheelchair and been in the hospital 4 times this year and had major surgery. I'll have another procedure done on October 29th. In short, MY medical situation is causing us to not be able to afford Freckles medical procedure that she now needs. Please help us take care of my baby girl and give her the medical care she needs. Click the link to donate and share! 
https://www.gofundme.com/p57gefmc

Scentsy With Dawn

In March, I was reintroduced to the company Scentsy. A friend of mine was selling it and I offered to host an online party for her. I had not used Scentsy in 2 years. But through this online Facebook party, my love for the company was restored. I became a consultant a few weeks later. I have been having a blast with it! It's so fun. The home parties, the online parties, and meeting new people and introducing them to this product I love so much. I sell wickless wax warmers, wax, bath and body products, and laundry products. If you'd like to learn more, check out my website at www.scentsablydawn.scentsy.us

Ring in 2015 Safely

If you plan to be out celebrating New Year's Eve on Wednesday and plan to drink, please arrange for a designated driver to transport you. It could save your life or someone else's. In America, the American Automobile Association(AAA) in some -- not all -- communities offers a safe-ride program for members and nonmembers. To find out whether it's happening in your community, go online or call your local branch of the AAA. Please have a happy and safe new year.

Reflections of My 2014

So....I know I  have not written as much in this past year as I thought I would when I created this blog. And the truth is that I'm not sure why I have not. Many things have happened to me that inspired me to write. Yet, I just could not do it. Frozen by what others would think or say about what I have written about that's going on in my life. If you know me personally, you know that I usually don't care what others think of me. And maybe it's a bit deeper than that. Maybe if I actually write those occurrences out, they become too real and I wouldn't be able to ignore them.  

The fact of the matter is that my year did  not begin on January 1, 2014 like yours did. My year began December 17, 2013....That's the date my grandmother died. It pretty much set the tone for my entire 2014. From that date on my life has changed drastically and continues to change. Sure, I have had some wonderful things happen to me. Just this month I got married to the love of my life and I have never been happier. But even with that comes a bit of sadness brought on by things I've had to endure this year. 

I wish I didn't have to be so vague. I wish that I could discuss it freely with you. But I can't. Not right now anyway. And the fact of the matter is, I have family members that don't even know what I have dealt with this year. So, why would I tell you before them? I would not. 

Well, this turned out to be less of a reflection of my 2014 and more of a rambling session. Well....the title of my blog IS Ramblings of a Tarheel Girl in a Seminole State, ya know. Anyway, stay happy...stay safe...stay healthy in 2015. If you promise to do that, I promise to keep you informed more about my life.