The older I get (But I'm only 38!) the more tired I become. The fact that I was born with Spina Bifida only makes me more tired. I have learned that SB seems to age the human body at a higher rate than that of my able-bodied counterparts that are my age. Most days, I am okay with that.
When I was younger, and really not THAT long ago, I could go shopping, out to eat, party, drink and stay up all night...only to do it all again the very next day. I was the epitome of the social butterfly always on the go and wanting to do things. Little did I know, I was wearing my body out!
It's sometimes very difficult for me to accept that I'm too tired to do something...again, I'm ONLY 38. I should be able to do ANYTHING without getting tired. But, I can't. I have a Vitamin D and B-12 deficiency that hinders me also. It only makes me more tired! ACK!!! It frustrates me to no end when I'm exhausted for what I think is absolutely nothing. Because back in the damn day, it WAS nothing for me.
So, what do I do about it now? Not a damn thing. I get the rest my body needs, when it needs it. I take my vitamins religiously and I trudge on. I don't let it stop me...aches, pains, vitamin deficiencies, Spina Bifida....all of it, be damned! I do what I want!!! At the end of the day, I will be negative in my reserve of spoons, but I don't regret whatever I did to use up all of my spoons! I only have one life. And, I'm gonna spend it to the fullest extent of my abilities while I can and when I can.
So, what's all of this talk about spoons, you ask? Read 'The Spoon Theory' written by Christine Miserandino here. In short, it's the true story of how Christine explained what it felt like to live with a chronic illness, in her case Lupus, to her best friend using----you got it...SPOONS! It's a wonderful story that helps people understand what it's like for people to live with "visible" and "invisible" disabilities. That's a disability that you can't see as easily, as say, mine. You see my wheelchair and you KNOW I'm disabled. But you can't always "see" that Christine has Lupus.
"I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus."
I use up spoons just getting out of bed in the morning to get in my wheelchair. Then again in the bathroom to shower and again getting out of the shower...3 spoons already used up before I have been up for 30 minutes...another an hour later getting in the car from my wheelchair. Yet another when I get to my destination and have to get out of the car into my chair. I use a "spoon" every time I get into or out of my chair. Depending on what I am doing on any particular day, that can be a dozen spoons...often more. Then wheeling myself around in the chair uses spoons too. Cooking and cleaning uses spoons, because I use up more energy doing those things than maybe my able-bodied counterparts that take it for granted. Shit, I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the "spoons" I use on any given day. It's no wonder I use up all of them before the end of my day.
Still, I trudge on.
You or my doctors may say, "Geesh, Dawn! Take it easy. Slow down!! Don't do so much!" Ummm....no. This is MY life. I will use up my spoons if I want to! And I do want to!! It's how I know I'm living...and being happy. When my day is done and I have no more spoons to give, I know that my day has been lived to the fullest.
So, I'm going to continue to live my life and use up my spoons.
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