THINGS NO MAN SHOULD BE DOING AFTER 25
1. Laundry at his mom’s house: Seriously dude, you really need to stop doing laundry at your mom’s house. You’re taking advantage of her good nature and the food she has in the pantry. Also, how am I supposed to make my weekly visit if I know you could show up at anytime? (oh snap! Totally burned you with a mama joke)
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2. 18 Year Old Girls: My bad y’all, I just meant girls UNDER 18…the rest of you keep doin’ what you do. I’m gonna be 30 soon, and it’s kind of creepy that I still know guys who are dating girls who can’t get into bars. But hey, I’m a constitutionalist, so go for it…as long as you check ID first. I don’t need any friends winding up in R. Kelly’s court-mandated support group.
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3. College Parties: Hey Frat guys, this one’s for you. Just because you used to be a live-out at Alpha Alpha Douche, it doesn’t mean you should go back twice a month for the theme parties. Your beer gut, backwards visor and armband tattoo say that you’re from a different era and it’s time for you to accept that.
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4. Sword fights with toy light sabers: Sike! I’m totally kidding. You can do this as long as you want to. Matter of fact, I call dibs on Darth Sidius and I’ll see you in the backyard next to the gate to the greenbelt. Why do you think I want to have kids? Everyone needs a young patiwan apprentice.
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5. Saying “sike”: Double-sike! I’m bringin’ sike back and you can jump on board with me. It’s great!
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6. Hanging neon beer signs in your house: This is only okay if you’re doing well enough to have a “man-cave” and in that case, it needs to be paired with at least three of the following: A large plasma-screen TV, plush leather couch, a bar with beer taps, a pool table, or a pop-a-shot machine. Also, if you fit all of these qualifications…can I come hang out with you because your house sounds awesome.
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7. Listening to rap music that they play on the radio: Let’s be honest, if it’s on a commercial hip hop station, the demographic they’re aiming for is under 18, impressionable, and very emo. That’s why Eminem has so much “window pain” now…and if you got that reference, then you’re in even more trouble than I thought.
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8. Lining your cabinets with empty liquor bottles (sorry Derek): Come on guys…you can’t get some candles or artsy photos or something? No one’s impressed that you polished off 24 bottles of Monarch. Do you know what a grownup does with an empty bottle of Monarch? Trick question: Grownups don’t drink Monarch. Gross dude.
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9. Playboy Magazines on the coffee table: How are you gonna have a lady over and impress her with how awesome and classy you are when the first thing she sees is your stack of skin mags? Come on bro! Keep em in the bathroom like Hugh intended! That way, by the time she gets offended, you’ll have already roofied her drink (Just kidding. For legal purposes, I have to say that adults shouldn’t roofie girls anymore either).
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10. Wearing skinny jeans: This rule should apply across the board, but if you’re over 25 and wearing skinny jeans, you don’t even know why you’re doing it, you just watch too many skateboarding competitions and music videos by hipster bands. You know they’re a hipster band when their name is comprised of a verb, an animal or a Spanish name. Oh, and when it sounds like someone about to commit suicide
THE TOP 10 THINGS GIRLS SHOULD STOP DOING AFTER 25
1. Stop wearing sweatpants with words on the ass: A. You’re not that Juicy. And B. Its just giving you a sadly nostalgic look, like the 35-year-old dude with a beer gut who still wears his letterman jacket to his old high school football games so he can talk about that one touchdown pass he had that sent em to state. Your ass is a 17-year-old touchdown pass that no one remembers but you.
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2. Using the words “Live, Laugh, Love” in ANY part of your decorating scheme: It doesn’t make you poetic. This is the home décor equivalent of a white girl with a Chinese tattoo that says “Love & Water”. It’s not a symbol of how you feel about life. Its three pseudo-emotional words that you haven’t experienced in a while. I’ve read your Facebook updates. You’re bitter at Mondays, men, and the fact that people are paying less attention to you every day. As reader Makenzie put it, “This isn’t a dorm room. At least graduate to a crappy framed art print from Ross.”
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3. Stop posting dramatic things on Facebook like “I’m so sick of the drama! I’m totally gonna delete my Facebook”: A. no you’re not. B. You’re an adult now. A full-blown one. You shouldn’t be this thirsty for attention. And if you think about it, if you delete your Facebook, where are you gonna post your self-portraits from the driver’s seat of your car?
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4. Stop wearing tiaras: At some point along the line, women decided that they’d take every opportunity to wear a tiara. After 10, this is not age-appropriate. You’re not a little girl who’s playing princess. At 30? It just becomes sad. But EVERY chance you get, you throw one on. Birthday, bridal shower, bachelorette parties, your period…doesn’t matter. You’ve got a little crown on.
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5. Stop waiting for Prince Charming: You were brought up by fairy tales. I get that. But at some point, it’s time to put away childish things. I’ve accepted the fact that Eva Mendez isn’t going to hire me to supervise her personal “Lego and pillowfight” room armed with a light saber, perhaps it’s time for you to jump on this reality train with me and settle for a guy who can tolerate yourBasketball Wives infatuation.
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6. Stop reading Twilight books/watching Basketball Wives/Listening to Ke$ha: I don’t plan on justifying this with topical support. You should know better.
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7. Shouting “WOOOOOO!!!” every time you drink anything: Okay ladies, I get it. We all need to fill the void. But you’re an intelligent being in the most resource-riddled part of the world. Can’t you find a better way to do it? Try a humor blog. Letting your sarcasm and hypocritical arrogance vent out to the world is WAY more healthy than deep-throating shots and wearing glittery cowboy hats.
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8. Stop calling your best friends “whores” or “sluts” or “biotches” every time you talk to them: I liked Mean Girls too. It was a good movie. You know what else was a good movie? 8 Mile. But you don’t see me trying to battle Xibit every time I walk past a taco truck.
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9. Stop shopping at Forever 21: Despite the title, you are NOT forever 21. You’re 28-years-old with a kid and two ex-husbands out on parole. The sequined miniskirt is not your best friend. Your best friend got married a couple years ago because she found her self-respect in a more age-appropriate store.
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10. Stop assuming that we only have 10 criticisms about your behavior: There’s SOOO much more wrong with you. Let’s explore a couple more shall we?
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11. Stop taking pictures of every moment that’s super special: The internet doesn’t care about your trip to Las Vegas, and it DAMN sure doesn’t care that you and your friends know how to stand in a line and bend one knee every time you go out to the bar. How bout a before/after rule? Every time you post a picture to Facebook, you need to post a picture of the place you wake up the next morning: vomit-covered sequin miniskirt, fat bartender’s studio apartment and all.
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12. Stop wearing most of the makeup you wear: Every morning, when you get out of bed and put make-up on, wipe it all off and cut the formula in half. Then use a third of that. Now you’ll look human. You’re welcome. The office is no place for a half-pound of purple eye shadow.
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13. Stop NOT taking birth control: I have a very irresponsible friend who keeps having to buy Plan B pills. Why? Because apparently some girls AREN’T taking birth control and are STILL GOING HOME WITH MY VERY IRRESPONSIBLE FRIENDS. If you’re old enough to drink, you should be old enough to realize that this ISN’T someone you want fathering your children. He’ll be ghost by the second trimester because his plan B ISN’T to go broke buying Plan B pills. Also, make him wear a condom. If you knew where he’s been you’d have PTSD.
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14. Stop saying “I never do this”: If you’re over 25 and that sentence needs no further explanation, then you’ve been “doing this” for at least seven years. Quit lying to guys. And quit lying to yourself. He stopped trying to pretend he was an investment banker when he was 24. You should stop pretending you’re not giving it up on the regs.
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15. Stop saying “LOL” at the end of every text: You’re not that funny when you are joking, and what you said WASN’T EVEN A JOKE! I get it when an 18-year-old does this. They’re still insecure and trying to figure out who they are as a person. You’re 25+. Grow a backbone and trust that the things you say are either funny or they aren’t and we DON’T need you to lead us in the right direction. Right? Am I right guys? LOL.
